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Till123
Anmeldungsdatum: 20.04.2011
Beiträge: 1
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 Verfasst am: 20. Apr 2011 19:51 Titel: Motivation Letter die Xte ;) |
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Hallo!
Ich habe folgendes (berühmtes) Problem: Mein LoM (siehe unten) für die Uni bedarf eines kleinen Checks, ich würde mich freuen wenn sich jemand die Zeit dafür nähme! Vielen Dank schon einmal im voraus!
Ps: Es sind knapp 100 Wörter zu viel, also schreckt nicht davor zurück zu kürzen...
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Till123 and in the following letter I want to tell you my motivation for my application at Maastricht University.
After graduating from Beethoven-Gymnasium in Bonn, Germany, in year 2010 and several trips to North- and Southamerica in the last 9 months I want to start my study of International Business in Maastricht in September. In the medium term it is my goal to work for a global acting company, preferentially in the field of Finance, Consulting or Marketing, eventually aiming for the foundation of an own enterprise.
I wish, to work with people from all over the world on a high level. This comes from my numerous contacts I was able to socialize with while I was traveling in Germany, Europe and abroad, especially Russia and America. This have mainly been hiking- and adventure trips with an basic environment in a small group similar to scouts. First I just attended these travels, but when I got 15 I was more and more in charge of planing and organizing these trips and weekly meetings. These exercises trained my social competence as my organization ability a lot.
In summer 2008 I completed an internship at Summersaultwoods in New York, USA. In order of this regular teaching practice, which I extended to 8 weeks, I made first experiences in the business world while I discovered my empathy for the English language and the American culture of business. Through these two months I was part of the planning and production team and had the chance to get theoretically as well as practically involved in their work.
When I came back from this very interesting and informative stay, the next challenging commitment was waiting: In school year 2008/2009 I was an active member of my schools student government. I was responsible for financial planning and a member of the school board. Our team had the great opportunity to influence important decisions in course of reordering the school due to the adjustment from „G9“ to „G8“.
Other than the mentioned internships I learned further commercial skills working at a retail clothing store as a sales assistant. Insights in operating procedure and the contact to clients and distributors aroused my interests for customer-centered business. Furthermore, my field of action was to create and accomplish PR-Events to canvass new customers.
January and February this year I spent in Miami, USA. I was employed at Divers Corp., a company that is specialized in underwater maintenance. Primarily, I did mechanical work, but was also in contact with clients and associated partners. Concerning the high risk, coming from work below the bottom line, I am aware of the reliance and responsibility I was shown and had to show.
This occupation gave myself the opportunity to train my English very much. After my numerous journeys, my activities in foreign working environments and, last but not least my attendance in „Leistungskurs“ English, I can now affirm to have a good written and spoken English.
Now, after all this different experiences I want to deepen my knowledge in the business administration. This will give me a wider view of how different factors such as finance, accounting, marketing and consumer behavior contribute to make a business operate successfully.
With this in mind I was searching for the right university for my personal background, expectations as well as future, which took me to the point to apply for University of Maastricht.
As I expect that University of Maastricht has an enriching community where students and staff not only come from different parts of the world but also from a variety of backgrounds, it makes me personally interested in a University, which, moreover, provides an education with an international orientation, as the international collaboration and competition throughout the countries are increasing more and more, so that it is important to set a focus on it.
Not only the language of English at University of Maastricht but also international themes and problems which are discussed, analyzed and solved should be a proof of it.
Since “real-life” problems are faced and solved in small groups, which considers the innovative “problem-based-learning”, I hope to deepen my skills as a team-player as well as to take responsibility and ownership.
I am convinced that this method of instruction will offer me the opportunity to refine the skills necessary to solve problems of business.
Inside this educational environment and the way courses are taught, especially the “problem based learning”, I am strongly interested in the course of International Business, as it will give me a proper understanding how economic, business, law and a companies’ environment are working together.
Furthermore the whole contents, such as finance, accounting, law, sociology, psychology, marketing, economics and business of the course of International Business is interesting to me, as I am convinced that the knowledge will enable me to operate successfully and take the right decisions in an ever changing world.
Concluding this letter of motivation I can say that the education and community of University Maastricht suits my background, interests and goals. It will help me to develop my knowledge, skills and personality to enter a career facing challenges of business around the world. |
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MI
Administrator
Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
Beiträge: 1140
Wohnort: München
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| Verfasst am: 22. Apr 2011 23:17 Titel: |
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Grün=Vorschläge
Orange=In meinen Augen komisch, könnte durchaus auch wirklich falsch sein, aber ich bin nicht ganz sicher.
Rot=Falsch
Insgesamt bin ich der Meinung, dass das ein Lebenslauf und kein Letter of Motivation ist. Ich kenne die Anforderungen der Uni Maastricht nicht, von daher möchte ich da jetzt kein Vorurteil fällen.
Insgesamt gilt aber: Kurz und knapp ist wohl besser - gerade bei Bewerbungen, wo es vermutlich Dutzende, wenn nicht gar Hunderte Applikanten gibt.
Ansonsten habe ich schon einmal einiges angemerkt. Ich hoffe, mir ist jetzt selbst kein grober Unfug unterlaufen  .
Gruß
MI
| Till123 hat Folgendes geschrieben: |
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Till123 and in the following letter I want to tell you my motivation for my application at Maastricht University.
sehr ungewöhnlicher Einstieg. Vllt. eher ein ganz kurzer Satz, dass du dich bewerben möchtest. Dass es sich um einen Motiv.schreiben handelt, sollte klar sein.
After graduating from Beethoven-Gymnasium in Bonn, Germany, in 2010 and several trips to North- and Southamerica during the last nine months I want to start my studies of International Business in Maastricht in September. Zahlen bis zwölf ausschreiben. In the mean time it is my goal to work for a global acting company, preferentially in the field of Finance, Consulting or Marketing, eventually aiming for the foundation of an own enterprise. "mean time"=Zwischenzeit.
I wish to work with people from all over the world on a high level. This urge is the result of my numerous contacts, acquired while traveling in Germany, Europe and abroad, especially Russia and America. These have mainly been hiking- and adventure trips in small groups similar to scouts. At the age of 15, I became involved in organizing these trips, which greatly developed my social skills. Irgednwie ist die Satzstellung doch sehr verquer...
In summer 2008 I completed an internship at Summersaultwoods in New York, USA. During this regular teaching practice, which I extended to eight weeks, I made first experiences in the business world while I discovered my empathy for the English language and the American culture of business. "In order of" heißt gemeinhin "In Reihenfolge" - du meinst vermutlich "während". "Empathy" heißt Empathie, leo gibt mir noch "Identifikation" zurück - aber das geht trotzdem auch in Richtung Empathy. Auch im Deutschen hätte ich eher Sympathie genommen.... Throughout these two months I was part of the planning and production team and had the chance to get theoretically as well as practically involved in their work.
Die folgenden Paragraphen sind eher ermüdend. Du sollst ja vermutlich nicht deinen Lebenslauf erklären, sondern deine Motivation und warum du glaubst, dafür geeignet zu sein. In einem Satz zusammenzufassen, was du alles gemacht hat, würde da reichen.
When I came back from this very interesting and informative stay, the next challenging commitment was waiting: In school year 2008/2009 I was an active member of my school's student government. I was responsible for financial planning and a member of the school board. Our team had the great opportunity to influence important decisions in the course of reordering the school due to the adjustment from „G9“ to „G8“.
Other than the mentioned internships I learned further commercial skills working at a retail clothing store as a sales assistant. Insights in operating procedure and the contact to clients and distributors aroused my interests for customer-centered business. Furthermore, my field of action was to create and accomplish PR-Events to canvass new customers.
Streich das zusammen und hänge es an deine andere Internship dran - du musst sicherlich nicht chronologisch vorgehen.
January and February this year I spent in Miami, USA. I was employed at Divers Corp., a company that is specialized in underwater maintenance. Primarily, I did mechanical work, but I was also in contact with clients and associated partners. Concerning the high risk, coming from work below the bottom line, I am aware of the reliance and responsibility I was shown and had to show. Da verstehe ich nicht, was du aussagen willst.
This occupation gave myself the opportunity to train my English very much. After my numerous journeys, my activities in foreign working environments and, last but not least my attendance in „Leistungskurs“ English, I can now affirm to have a good written and spoken English.
Now, after all these different experiences I want to deepen my knowledge in business administration. Hätte ich, als feststehenden Ausdruck, ohne "the" gesehen. This will give me a wider view of how different factors such as finance, accounting, marketing and consumer behavior contribute to make a business operate successfully.
With this in mind I was searching for the right university for my personal background, expectations as well as future, when I found the University of Maastricht.
As I expect that University of Maastricht has an enriching community where students and staff not only come from different parts of the world but also from a variety of backgrounds, it makes me personally interested in a University, which, moreover, provides an education with an international orientation, as the international collaboration and competition throughout the countries are increasing more and more, so that it is important to set a focus on it. Englisch ist keine Schachtelsatzsprache. In der Literatur mag das gut sein, aber da dein Motivationsschreiben vorwiegend schnell gelesen werden wird und dieser Satz extrem kompliziert ist (und ich halte den Satz auch irgendwie für nicht richtig) würde ich den komplett umschreiben. Kurze Sätze, die den Lesefluss nicht stören.
Not only the language of English at University of Maastricht but also international themes and problems which are discussed, analyzed and solved should be a proof of it.
Since “real-life” problems are faced and solved in small groups, which considers the innovative “problem-based-learning”, I hope to deepen my skills as a team-player as well as to take responsibility and ownership. "ownership" heißt Besitz. Eine andere Bedeutung kenne ich nicht. Was möchtest du hier sagen?
I am convinced that this method of instruction will offer me the opportunity to refine the skills necessary to solve problems of business.
Inside this educational environment and the way courses are taught, especially the “problem based learning”, I am strongly interested in the course of International Business, as it will give me a proper understanding how economic, business, law and a companies’ environment are working together.
Furthermore the whole contents, such as finance, accounting, law, sociology, psychology, marketing, economics and business of the course of International Business is interesting to me, as I am convinced that the knowledge will enable me to operate successfully and take the right decisions in an ever changing world. Bei der Konstruktion mit contents im Singular bin ich mir nicht ganz sicher. Zudem gilt der Bedeutungsunterschied zwischen content und contents zu beachten...
Concluding this letter of motivation I can say that the education and community of University Maastricht suits my background, interests and goals. It will help me to develop my knowledge, skills and personality to enter a career facing challenges of business around the world. |
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