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jackson
Anmeldungsdatum: 23.04.2010
Beiträge: 1
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 Verfasst am: 23. Apr 2010 10:18 Titel: Bitte um Textkorrektur ! |
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Meine Frage:
Hallo,
es geht um eine Nacherzählung. Dabei handelt es sich um einen Brief, den ein junger Mann, namens Christopher seiner Schwester Linda schreibt. Der Brief sollte Linda beruhigen, weil ihr sie sich sehr über ihren kleinen Sohn Chris ärgert, da er die Schlüssel versteckt hat. Christopher erzählt seiner Schwester in dem Brief eine Geschichte von einem kleinen Jungen, der seine Schwester auch ein bisschen verärgert hat.
Nach dieser kurzen Einführung in die Handlung, würde ich euch nun bitten, meinen Text zu überprüfen. Ich bin mir da einfach nie ganz sicher wegen den Zeiten: Past Tense oder Past Perfect!
Vielen Dank im voraus...
Meine Ideen:
Little children often drive their parents crazy. So did the son of Christophers sister Linda. Her Kid had hidden the key, what had put her upset. Christopher tried to quieten his sister with a letter he wrote to her. He remembered her not to expect kids to act like adults. Christopher began to tell her a story about a little boy who had acted up too.
As once Mrs. Brown, the mother of that little boy whose name was Chris, hadn't felt well, she had asked her doughter Jill if she would be so kind and do the shopping for her. Jill had promptly answered that of course she would do it. She had also offered to take Chris with her. After she had dressed herself and Chris, they had had breakfast together. Before they set forth, Jill had asked her mother what she would need and had written it on a peace of paper. Later on, as Jill and Chris had arrived in the supermarket, Chris had startet to become very troublesome. He had wanted Jill to buy him chocolate. Jill had explained to him that they wouldn't be there to fill him up with chocolate. But Chris hadn't stopped bothering her and so she told him to shut up and explained him, if he would be a good boy perhaps she would buy some sweets for him later. As she had had all things together, she had gone to the cash-desk and started to put everything on the counter. Suddenly a man had appeared and said to her, she would have to come with him. The man had took hold of her arm but Jill had got upset and asked him what he thought who he would be and to whom he would talk to. The man had told her that he was the assistent manager and she would see what for she had had to accompany him when they would got there. As they arrived in an office the man had explained her that they could see everything what was going on in the supermarket. Jill hadn't understood anything and had become a little bit angry. Then the man had shown her a video where she had seen her brother stealing sweets while she had been busy with the shopping. They had taken a look inside her bag and actually they had found two bars of chocolate, a box of sweets and a packet of nuts. Jill had been shocked and hadn't found any words. But the man was appreciative and had told her not to be angry about him, because he just had helped his big sister with the shopping. When they had returned home, Jill had directly gone upstairs to tell her mother what had happened. First Mrs. Brown had blustered him but then she and her daughter had actually notized the funny side of the story and so they had begun to laugh about that little event.
After he had finished the story he told his sister again not to be angry about such a little episode. Anger should be saved for really bad things which possibly could be done by her son in future.
Vielen vielen Dank nochmal..
liebe Grüße |
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Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
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| Verfasst am: 25. Apr 2010 23:39 Titel: Re: Bitte um Textkorrektur ! |
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| jackson hat Folgendes geschrieben: | Meine Frage:
Little children often drive their parents crazy. So did the son of Christopher's sister Linda. Her kid had hidden the key, which had upset her. Christopher tried to quiet his sister with a letter he wrote to her. He reminded her not to expect kids to act like adults. remember=sich erinnern ungleich jmd. an etwas erinnern. Christopher began to tell her a story about a little boy who had acted up too. Da fehlt was.
Once Mrs. Brown, the mother of that little boy whose name was Chris, hadn't felt well, so she had asked her daughter Jill if she would be so kind and do the shopping for her. Jill had promptly answered that of course she would do it. She had also offered to take Chris with her. After she had dressed herself and Chris, they had had breakfast together. Before they set forth, Jill had asked her mother what she needed and had written it on a piece of paper. peace=Frieden Later on, as Jill and Chris had arrived in the supermarket, Chris had started to become very troublesome. He had wanted Jill to buy him chocolate. Die Konstruktion scheint korrekt, hört sich in meinen Augen aber überhaupt nicht so an. Näheres unten. Jill had explained to him that they hadn't been there to fill him up with chocolate. But Chris hadn't stopped bothering her and so she told him to shut up and explained him, if he was a good boy perhaps she would buy some sweets for him later.Kein would im if-Satz; so ist's ein irrealis der Gegenwart. Evtl. vllt. Vergangenheit? When had had all things together, she had gone to the cash-desk and started to put everything on the counter. Suddenly a man had appeared and said to her, she had to come with him. The man had taken hold of her arm but Jill had got upset and asked him what he thought who he would be and to whom he would talk to. The man had told her that he was the assistent manager and she would see what she had had to accompany him for when they would have gotten there. As they arrived in an office the man had explained her that they could see everything that was going on in the supermarket. Jill hadn't understood anything and had become a little bit angry. Then the man had shown her a video where she could see her brother stealing sweets while she had been busy with the shopping. They had taken a look inside her bag and actually they had found two bars of chocolate, a box of sweets and a packet of nuts. Jill had been shocked and hadn't found any words. But the man was appreciative and had told her not to be angry about him, because he had just helped his big sister with the shopping. When they had returned home, Jill had directly gone upstairs to tell her mother what had happened. First Mrs. Brown had blustered him but then she and her daughter had actually notized the funny side of the story and so they had begun to laugh about that little event.
After he had finished the story he told his sister again not to be angry about such a little episode. Anger should be saved for really bad things which possibly could be done by her son in future.
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Rot sind meiner Meinung nach Fehler, bei Orangenen Dingen bin ich mir nicht ganz sicher und schlage daher eine Alternative vor und Grün ist ein Vorschlag. Ich konnte nicht zu jeder Sache ein paar Takte schreiben, wenn du also Korrekturfragen hast, nur zu.
Insgesamt frage ich mich, ob du tatsächlich alles im Plusquamperfekt schreiben musst? Das führt zu einigen komischen Satzkonstruktionen. Ich bin mir auch nicht ganz sicher, ob nicht an der ein oder anderen Stelle noch ein paar Tempusfehler vorhanden sind (dafür ist's heute zu spät  ).
Gruß
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