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daggimaus
Anmeldungsdatum: 25.01.2011
Beiträge: 1
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 Verfasst am: 25. Jan 2011 11:42 Titel: Englisch HA: Bitte um Korrektur meines Textes |
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Meine Frage:
Hallo,
habe als Hausaufgabe im Fach Englisch (Klasse 8 Gymnasium) einen Text zu schreiben. Bei diesem Text geht es um eine Bildbeschreibung (Junge läuft vor ein Flugzeug). Hintergrund des Bildes ist der "Child to work Day".
Leider klappt es bei mir noch nicht so mit dem Formulieren von freien Texten sowie der richtigen Verwendung der Grammatik. Grundsätzlich sollte der Text laut Lehrer im Simple Past geschrieben werden.
Vielen Dank für eure Hilfe!!
Meine Ideen:
Hier nun der Text:
On Monday morning was "Take your child to work Day". Josh and hid dad Mr. Joung drove to the airport in Atlanta, because Mr. Joung travalled there. He was the manager. Josh was really nervous, because he wasn't never fly with a plane.
One hour later they arrived the airport. Mr. Joung must talked with a important person of the airport so he can't saw, that Josh was ran to the plane parc where the planes landed and started. Josh went updown und after a short time, he was outside. Josh was a little bit scared, because the planes were so big. At this time Mr. Joung looked for his son, but he didn't find Josh. Josh walked around and went on a long way. He think, that it could be a long motorway. But suddenly a big plane came in front of Josh from the sky. Now Josh knew what the long way was. It was the way where planes started and landed. He was shocked and cried. But it was too late. After a long time he woke up. He was in a hospital. But he was so happy, that he lived. |
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ruri14
Anmeldungsdatum: 28.11.2010
Beiträge: 63
Wohnort: Tirol
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| Verfasst am: 25. Jan 2011 13:38 Titel: Re: Englisch HA: Bitte um Korrektur meines Textes |
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| daggimaus hat Folgendes geschrieben: | Meine Frage:
Grundsätzlich sollte der Text laut Lehrer im Simple Past geschrieben werden.
Vielen Dank für eure Hilfe!!
Meine Ideen:
Hier nun der Text:
On Monday morning was "Take your child to work Day". Josh and hid eher his  dad Mr. Joung drove to the airport in Atlanta, because Mr. Joung travalled there. He was the manager. Josh was really nervous, because he wasn't
had never fly with a plane. Obwohl... Ich würde den Satz vollkommen anders schreiben. da du sonst auch falsch rauskommst:
Josh was really nervous, because he had never bin flying with an airplane.One hour later they arrived at the airport. Mr. Joung must talked had to talk with an (da i ein ? was ist??? ) important person of the airport so he can't saw couldn't see, that Josh was ran to the plane parc where the planes landed and started. Josh went updown und after a short time, he was outside. Josh was a little bit scared, because the planes were so big. At this time Mr. Joung looked for his son, but he didn't find Josh. Josh walked around and went on a long way. He thinkthought, that it could be a long motorway. But suddenly a big plane came in front of Josh from the sky. Now Josh knew what the long way was. It was the way where planes started and landed. He was shocked and cried. But it was too late. After a long time he woke up. He was in a hospital. But he was so happy, that he lived. |
beim letzten Wort bin ich mir auch nciht so sicher ob das stimmt... 
DAs Rote ist der Fehler und das Grüne meine Verbesserung. Ich hoffe ich konnte dir ein bisschen helfen!
Bis bald
ruri 
Edit: Nicht had lived sondern nur lived da das schon vergangenheit ist |
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MI
Administrator
Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
Beiträge: 1140
Wohnort: München
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| Verfasst am: 25. Jan 2011 15:43 Titel: Re: Englisch HA: Bitte um Korrektur meines Textes |
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| ruri14 hat Folgendes geschrieben: | | daggimaus hat Folgendes geschrieben: |
Meine Ideen:
Hier nun der Text:
On Monday morning was "Take your child to work Day". Josh and hid eher his dad Mr. Joung drove to the airport in Atlanta, because Mr. Joung travalled there. He was the manager. Josh was really nervous, because he wasn't
had never fly with a plane. Obwohl... Ich würde den Satz vollkommen anders schreiben. da du sonst auch falsch rauskommst:
Josh was really nervous, because he had never bin flying with an airplane.
Ich stimme dir zu, ruri, der Satz passt so nicht, deine Zeit (wenn dann mit "been" ) ist aber auch nicht ganz so gut, hier sollte eher ein Plusquamperfekt hin, also "because he had never flown before".
One hour later they arrived at the airport. Mr. Joung must talked had to talk with an (da i ein ? was ist??? ) important person of the airport so he can't saw couldn't see, that Josh was running to the plane parc where the planes landed and started. Entweder "was running" oder "ran", aber keine Mischung. Ersteres ist die Verlaufsform (also: Zeitspanne) und müsste hier auch okay sein. Josh went updown und after a short time, he was outside. Josh was a little bit scared, because the planes were so big. At this time Mr. Joung looked for his son, but he didn't find Josh. Josh walked around and went on a long way Hört sich sehr komisch an "and walked on a long street" ist vllt. besser. He thinkthought, that it could be a long motorway. But suddenly a big plane came in front of Josh from the sky Hier bin ich selbst nicht ganz sicher, aber sehr schön hört sich das nicht an. Ich würde bevorzugen: "came from the sky landing in front of Josh". Now Josh knew what the long street was. It was the runway where planes started and landed. He was shocked and cried. But it was too late. After a long time he woke up. He was in a hospital. But he was happy, that he was alive. Das ist in jedem Fall gebräuchlicher |
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Gruß
MI |
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ruri14
Anmeldungsdatum: 28.11.2010
Beiträge: 63
Wohnort: Tirol
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| Verfasst am: 25. Jan 2011 17:07 Titel: |
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DAnke dir MI für die Verbesserung! Auch ich kann noch vieeel dazu lernen |
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