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Zakath
Anmeldungsdatum: 13.08.2009
Beiträge: 2
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 Verfasst am: 13. Aug 2009 15:07 Titel: Letter of motivation Korrektur |
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Hallo liebe English Board community,
Ich bewerbe mich für ein Auslandsprktikum als Uni Absolvent für das kommende Jahr und muss dafür noch einen Letter of Motviation einreichen. Da mein Businessenglish noch etwas eingerostet ist würde mcih mich darüber freuen wenn ein "Profi" nochmal darüber lesen könnte, und bin über Tipps, Kritik und Anregungen immer froh! Ich ahbe mal die pikanten Stellen anonymisiert und die Bewerbung ist für eine amerikanische Firma.
Dear madam or sir,
I hereby apply for the consumer & market knowledge internship at ---or ---office in 2009/2010. Personally I would prefer the --- office to the --- location because in my opinion --- is the ideal place to get in touch with the various Asian cultures and way of lives you can encounter in this fascinating multicultural country.
One of my primary interests has always been to understand why people behave as they do. Because of this inherited curiosity I started to study sociology, psychology and business administrations to learn more about our society and the individuals who live in it. To complement my theoretical knowledge I started working as a freelancer in a full service market research institute for more than 3 years. The company gave me the opportunity to improve my leadership skills in the management of the test studio with more than 80 freelancing interviewers. I gained experience in international market research projects during an internship in one of the worlds leading online market research companies. During my time working for --- Germany I experienced how challenging, interesting and constructive it is to work in an international team. One of my focuses for psychology is international surveys and to be part of international projects aroused in me the interest to work furthermore in an international environment. This internship gave me the opportunity to improve my English skills which I gained at my bilingual high school where I was taught several subjects in English additionally to my major course in English. My work experience is characterised by regular projects. Therefore, as a member of a team, I am used to work at problem solutions, take responsibility, coordinate with my team and other divisions as well as to independently perform my tasks, in order to reach the target and timing of the projects. During my previous assignments I worked in challenging, time critical projects under high pressure and was able to deliver my results in time and high quality. During these critical projects I realized that you best grow personally and professionally through challenges and responsibility.
My interdisciplinary studies as well as my practical experience cover all relevant aspects of the market research process. The internship in your consumer & market research division would augment my practical experience with insight on the corporate market research, the job in which I want to work after I completed my final degree. To be involved in the direct marketing and product management process is in my opinion a much more valuable and satisfying process then to just see small impressions in single and primarily unconnected surveys. After I went through your job description and read your requirements, I was sure that this internship perfectly matches with my interests, skills and abilities. Due to my interests in people I was always interested in meeting fascinating people and I took some time off after school to ascertain what job or education completes me. During my studies I worked in different jobs like for example in a nursing home, working in a factory as well as promotion jobs. I am a fast learner, which is in my opinion one of the most valuable abilities to have in this fast pace society and time we live in, and I think ---is a great place to learn and improve myself. The company is for nearly 200 years one of the worlds leading marketing companies on the consumer good market. I would be really grateful to get the opportunity to work with and to learn from the best.
I regard working for --- as enrichment, both professionally and personally and therefore I would like to support the great brands of ---- by bringing in my strong academic background, working experiences and personal strengths to the benefit of this great company.
Thank you very much for considering my request. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Nach dem amerikanischen Vorbild habe ich dabei eher übertrieben als das typische deutsche understatement 
Schon einmal vielen Dank vorab für die Hilfe! |
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MI
Administrator
Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
Beiträge: 1140
Wohnort: München
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| Verfasst am: 14. Aug 2009 22:17 Titel: |
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Ich fange einfach mal an und schreibe, wenn mir etwas auffällt. Alles in allem sieht das aber nicht schlecht aus. Allerdings möchte ich gleich vorweg sagen, dass ich mich im "Businessenglisch" auch nicht auskenne. Ich bin eher im wissenschaftlichen literarischem Bereich - mehr oder weniger - bewandert.
Gruß
MI
| Zakath hat Folgendes geschrieben: | Hallo liebe English Board community,
Ich bewerbe mich für ein Auslandsprktikum als Uni Absolvent für das kommende Jahr und muss dafür noch einen Letter of Motviation einreichen. Da mein Businessenglish noch etwas eingerostet ist würde mcih mich darüber freuen wenn ein "Profi" nochmal darüber lesen könnte, und bin über Tipps, Kritik und Anregungen immer froh! Ich ahbe mal die pikanten Stellen anonymisiert und die Bewerbung ist für eine amerikanische Firma.
Dear madam or sir,
I hereby apply for the consumer & market knowledge internship at ---or ---office in 2009/2010. Personally I would prefer the --- office to the --- location because in my opinion --- is the ideal place to get in touch with the various Asian cultures and way of lives you can encounter in this fascinating multicultural country.
One of my primary interests has always been to understand why people behave as they do. Because of this inherited curiosity I started to study sociology, psychology and business administrations to learn more about our society and the individuals who live in it Nachsätze wie "who live in it" finde ich nicht so schön, auch wenn sie sich nicht immer vermeiden lassen. Hier hätte ich aber z.B. den Vorschlag: "and its (individual) members. To complement my theoretical knowledge I started working as a freelancer in a full service market research institute for more than three years. The company gave me the opportunity to improve my leadership skills in the management of the test studio with more than 80 freelancing interviewers das soll wohl heißen, dass du dort die Leitung (oder zumindest eine leitende Position) hattest? Irgendwie finde ich dieses "in the management" nicht so wirklich gelungen. Ich persönlich wäre eher für "by managing" oder "by giving me the opportunity to oversee the work of...", wobei letzteres eventuell sogar ein bisschen doppelt gemoppelt scheint. Vielleicht hat aber jemand da noch eine andere Meinung zu... . I gained experience in international market research projects during an internship in one of the world's leading online market research companies. During my time working for --- Germany I experienced how challenging, interesting and constructive it is to work in an international team. One of my focuses in psychology is international surveys ich bin mir nicht sicher, was der zweite Teilsatz mit dem ersten zu tun hat - oder übersehe ich da etwas? and to be part of international projects aroused in me the interest to work furthermore in an international environment "arouse" hat bei mir immer einen anderen Beigeschmack, aber eigentlich sollte es doch passen... Das furthermore hingegen finde ich etwas misplatziert. Ich mag mich irren, aber ich halte eine Konstruktion wie "continue working in" für besser. This internship gave me the opportunity to improve my English skills which I gained at my bilingual high school, where I was taught several subjects in English additionally to my major course in English. My work experience is characterised by regular projects. Therefore, as a member of a team, I am used to work at problem solutions, take responsibility, coordinate with my team and other divisions as well as to independently perform my tasks, in order to reach the target and timing of the projects. "coordinate"=koordinieren - meinst du nicht eher so etwas wie "kooperieren"? So jedenfalls passt das meiner Meinung nach nicht. Ferner ist mir "target" eher mit aggressiverer Konnotation bekannt, allerdings kenne ich mich im Businessbereich auch nicht so aus - ich hätte eher das neutralere "goal" verwendet. During my previous assignments I worked in challenging, time critical projects under high pressure and was able to deliver my results in time and with high quality. During these critical projects I realized that you best grow personally and professionally through challenges and responsibility.
[...] |
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Zakath
Anmeldungsdatum: 13.08.2009
Beiträge: 2
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| Verfasst am: 15. Aug 2009 09:54 Titel: |
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Vielen Dank für die Korrektur bis jetzt. Ich ahbe eigentlich alle Vorschläge übernommen, bis auf das Target was wirklich das Wort für Zielvorgaben ist |
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MI
Administrator
Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
Beiträge: 1140
Wohnort: München
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| Verfasst am: 22. Aug 2009 02:16 Titel: Re: Letter of motivation Korrektur |
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Falls noch von Nutzen, hier noch mal ein paar Worte zum zweiten Teil.
Gruß
MI
| Zakath hat Folgendes geschrieben: |
My interdisciplinary studies as well as my practical experience cover all relevant aspects of the market research process. The internship in your consumer & market research division would augment my practical experience with insights on the corporate market research, the job in which I want to work after completing my final degree. "augment" hört sich für mich nicht ganz so schön an, das kann aber auch daher kommen, dass ich dabei immer das leicht andere "augmenter" aus dem Französischen im Hinterkopf habe. Ich hätte eher zu "enrich" tendiert. Ferner ein Vorschlag für eine Gerund-Konstruktion, die mMn eleganter ist. To be involved in the direct marketing and product management process is in my opinion a much more valuable and satisfying process then to just see small impressions in single and primarily unconnected surveys. After I went through your job description and read your requirements, I was sure that this internship perfectly matches with my interests, skills and abilities. Due to my interests in people I was always interested in meeting fascinating people and I took some time off after school to ascertain what job or education completes me. Das erste ist meiner Einschätzung nach doppelt gemoppelt. Vielleicht umformulieren? Ferner finde ich persönlich den letzten Teil seltsam "completes me", weil ich der Meinung bin, dass keine Ausbildung "vervollständigt", aber wie gesagt, ich komme aus dem wissenschaftlichen Bereich und in der Wirtschaft mag das ganz anders sein. During my studies I worked in different jobs; for example, I worked in a nursing home, a factory and I did promotion of jobs Den Satz habe ich mal umformuliert. Die Verben passten nicht so Recht, die jetzige Version ist aber auch nicht wirklich das Gelbe vom Ei. I am a fast learner, which is in my opinion one of the most valuable abilities to have in this fast pace society and time we live in, and I think ---is a great place to learn and improve myself. The company has been for nearly 200 years one of the world's leading marketing companies on the consumer good market. I would be really grateful to get the opportunity to work with and to learn from the best.
I regard working for --- as enrichment, both professionally and personally and therefore I would like to support the great brands of ---- by bringing in my strong academic background, working experiences and personal strengths to the benefit of this great company.
Thank you very much for considering my request. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully, Wenn du den Absender nicht zu kennen scheinst, ist soweit ich weiß "Yours faithfully" geläufiger.
Nach dem amerikanischen Vorbild habe ich dabei eher übertrieben als das typische deutsche understatement
Schon einmal vielen Dank vorab für die Hilfe! |
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