Bitte um Korrektur! [ Letter of Motivation]

Bering · Anmeldungsdatum: 12.01.2007 Beiträge: 4

Wäre jemand so freundlich und könnte sich meinen Text hier mal durchlesen?
Wäre sehr dankbar!

Letter of Motivation for the Radnor Exchange

When our teachers told us about the exchange tradition with the Radnor Highschool I was sceptic because of the distance between the USA and Germany and the long time we would have to stay there. But when I thought about it I found many good reasons to do the exchange.
The most important reason for me is that my own personality would enhance. I think that an exchange year would broaden up my mind.
It would help me to understand other people because I know other ways of live and other cultures, but I would learn something about myself, too.
I think an exchange is also a good thing to increase one's autonomy.
Another reason is, that I would get to know other people.
Last but not least I would be able to speak fluent English. That's not only good for my graduation at school, it is also handy for my later job applications.
These are the main reasons why I really want to do this exchange. That's the perfect chance to do something like that and I don't want to miss this opportunity. I hope that someone else take the chance, so that we're able to make some wonderful experiences.

Self-Characterization

In my opinion, I'm a tolerant, objective and open-minded person.. I really like to help other people. Sometimes I need time for myself but normally I like the adjacence of other people. I can say that I'm adaptable to new circumstances and that I can get used to them fast. Apart from my handwriting, I'm kind of tidy.
One of my best attributes is that I'm eager for knowledge in the majority of cases and ever willed to broaden it.

MI · Administrator Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005 Beiträge: 1140 Wohnort: München

Erst einmal Willkommen

- soviel Zeit muss sein Big Laugh

.

grün = Vorschlag meinerseits
orange = ich bin mir nicht ganz sicher, ob's falsch ist Augenzwinkern

rot = mEn. nicht ganz korrekt
blau = Begründung, etc.

Bering · Anmeldungsdatum: 12.01.2007 Beiträge: 4

Jaaahh...vielen dank! Rock

Hier ist nochmal der überarbeitete Text:

Letter of Motivation for the Radnor Exchange

When our teachers told us about the exchange tradition with the Radnor Highschool I was sceptic first because of the distance between the USA and Germany and the long time we would have to stay there. But when I thought about it I found many good reasons to do the exchange.
The most important reason for me is that my own personality would enhance. I think that an exchange year would broaden my mind. It would help me to understand other people because I know other ways of life and other cultures, but I would learn something about myself, too.
I think an exchange is also a good thing to increase one's autonomy.
Another reason is that I would get to know other people.
Last but not least I would be able to speak English fluently. That's not only good for my grades at school, it is also handy for my later job applications.
These are the main reasons why I really want to do this exchange. That's the perfect chance to do something like that and I don't want to miss this opportunity. I hope that someone else takes the chance, so that we're able to make some wonderful experiences together.

Self-Characterization

In my opinion, I'm a tolerant, objective and open-minded person. I really like to help other people. Sometimes I need time for myself but normally I like the proximity to other people. I can say that I adapt fast to new environments. Apart from my handwriting, I'm very tidy. One of my best attributes is that I'm eager for knowledge in the majority of cases and ever willed to expand it.

Goldenhind · Ehrenmoderator Anmeldungsdatum: 17.08.2006 Beiträge: 399

Ich finde "to do the exchange" nicht so schön. Besser wäre imho "to participate in the exchange (program)".
Ich glaube den Begriff "autonomy" benutzt man eher im Zusammenhang mit Staaten als mit Personen. Für letztere würde ich eher von "independence" sprechen.
Es heißt "I am willing to expand it".

sqrt(2) · Anmeldungsdatum: 13.01.2007 Beiträge: 25

Selbst dann liest sich dein Text noch sehr holprig und enthält ein paar Wort- Grammatikfehler (never separate a verb and its object).

Mein Vorschlag (Einfügungen/Änderungen rot, gestrichener Text eingeklammert):
_______________________________________________________________
When our teachers told us about the exchange tradition our school maintains with (the) Radnor Highschool I first was sceptic (first), both because of the distance between the USA and Germany and the long time we would have to stay there. But when I thought about it a little, I found many good reasons to (do) participate in the exchange.
The reason most important (reason for) to me is that I believe my (own) personality would enhance. I think that an exchange year would broaden my mind. It would help me to understand other people because for one thing I would get to know (other) different ways of life and (other) different cultures, (but) for another thing I would learn something about myself, too(.); I (think) conceive an exchange to be (is also) a good thing to increase one's (autonomy) independence as well.
Another reason that I am interested in the exchange is that I would get to know other people.
Last but not least I would (be able) learn to speak English fluently. That's not only (good) useful for my school grades (at school), it is also handy for my later job applications.
These are the main reasons why I really want to (do) take part in this exchange. (That's) This is the perfect (chance) opportunity to (do something like that) gain this sort of experience (and) , which I don't want to miss (this opportunity). I also hope that someone else takes the chance, so that we're able to gain (make) some wonderful experiences together.

Self-characterization

In my opinion, I'm a tolerant, objective and open-minded person. I also really (like to help) enjoy helping other people. Sometimes I need time for myself, but normally I like (the proximity to other people) being among others. Furthermore, I (can) would say that I rapidly adapt (fast) to new environments. (Apart from) Except for my handwriting, I'm a very tidy person. Finally, one of my best (attributes) qualities is that I'm most of the time eager for knowledge (in the majority of cases) and (ever willed to expand) always willing to expand it.
_______________________________________________________________

Ich kann dir einzelne Änderungen auch gerne erklären, wenn du nicht verstehst, warum ich die vorschlage.

MI · Administrator Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005 Beiträge: 1140 Wohnort: München

zu Goldenhinds Vorschlägen: Ja, autonomy wird im wirtschaftlich- politischen Kontext benutzt (z.B. ein Staat oder eine Firma). Das ist korrekt und war mir entgangen Augenzwinkern

.

zu sqrt(2) (@sqrt(2): Willkommen

- aus dem Matheboard daher gekommen?) Vorschlägen:
Ich würde ihm in allen Punkten Recht geben - das mit den auszuschreibenden Kurzformen z.B. habe ich ja selbst schon bemängelt. Die Frage ist jetzt, wie sehr dein eigener Stil in diesem Brief durchschlagen soll. Die um Einiges sicherere Wortwahl und stilistische Variation von sqrt(2) ist zwar schön und gut (und bei einer Bewerbung sicherlich hilfreich, wenn auch alles andere in einem ähnlichen Stil geschrieben ist), aber für mich persönlich ist eine eigene Leistung auch ein wichtiger Aspekt. Letztlich liegt es dann an dir, welche Art du bevorzugst.

Nichtsdestotrotz sollten die von sqrt(2) angesprochenen (und von mir teilweise übersehenen) Grammatikfehler natürlich korrigiert werden.

Gruß
MI

sqrt(2) · Anmeldungsdatum: 13.01.2007 Beiträge: 25

Bering · Anmeldungsdatum: 12.01.2007 Beiträge: 4

Ich danke euch für eure Bemühungen!
Zu eurer Frage, ich glaub es ist nicht sooo wichtig, dass man in meinem Text über Unsicherheiten mit der englischen Sprache stolpert. Ich bin Schüler einer 10. Klasse und es geht, wie ihr dem Text entnehmen könnt, um die Bewerbung um ein Austauschprogramm an unserer Schule. Demnach glaube ich, dass man nicht erwartet, dass man perfektes Englisch spricht/schreibt, dazu mach ich ja unter anderem den Austausch mit, um mein Englisch zu verbessern.
Trotzdem werde ich noch einige Sachen von sqrt(2) übernehmen.
Ein paar Sachen werd' ich so lassen, es soll ja schließlich noch nach mir klingen! ^^

In diesem sinne Wünsch ich euch noch eine schöne Nacht!