Motivation Letter Korrektur Hilfe

Debbie · Anmeldungsdatum: 02.12.2015 Beiträge: 2

Meine Frage:
Hallo,

ich will mich im Ausland für den Studiengang 'biomedical sciences' bewerben und muss hierfür einen Motivationsbrief auf Englisch verfassen. Leider bin ich noch nicht so ganz zufrieden und würde mich super freuen, wenn sich jemand, der sich ein bisschen damit auskennt, dafür bereiterklären würde, diesen einmal Korrektur zu lesen und mir eventuell noch Verbesserungstipps zu geben.
Vielen Dank schon mal!

Liebe Grüße

Debbie

Meine Ideen:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to apply für your bachelor?s programme ?biomedical science? starting in September 2016 at Maastricht University.
After I graduated the grammar school ?Wilhelm-Maybach-Schule? in Heilbronn in June 2015 as the best student oft he year, I decided to spend a voluntary social year abroad.
Now I am voluntary working at the ?Havana Primary School? in Windhoek, the capital of Namibia until July 2016. My tasks are it to prepare lessons, to teach and to support other teachers during their lessons by helping children with learning difficulties in difficult exercises.
It was I quick decision for me, when I heard that I had to specialize in a certain subject, because I knew that I want to work in the subject area of natural sciences and mathematics. It is a great pleasure to me, to teach the children new subject matter in biology, chemistry and physics. I always try to get them enthusiastic about topics like the human immune system and the prevention of sicknesses like cholera or HIV, which are a causing a big problem in the township Havana because of Contaminated water, poor hygiene and lack of education.in
Ever since childhood I was fascinated by the world of natural sciences, especially those oft he biology. As soon as I mastered reading, I begged my mum to buy me a children's encyclopedia about the human body. Very short time after I persuaded her, I already had devoured it like it would have been a storybook.
It was never enough to me, only to know, what I could see with my own eyes. I wanted to learn, which physiological processes take place in the human body, what happens in pur brain and how our bodies are constructed up to the smallest unit. Until today the fascination has not lost its grip on me, so I could not imageine anything else form my future career, than taking the biomedical pathways.
Besides, I attach great importance to live a healthy lifestyle by doing sports and exercises and by taking care of eating healthy and well-balanced nutrition. I am also very interested to know, what happens in my body while I am doing sports and how my diet affects my health to keep my body well-functioning and healthy.
I want to make my passion to my profession and thus think, that the studies of biomedical siences would offer me the best possibilities. On the basis of my ability to hink logically, I can solve difficult problems conscientiously and thoroughly either alone as well as in teamwork. That is why I am really interested in the ?problem-based learning? method, which is applied at the Universyty of Maastricht. Personally, I prefer it not only to learn theoretically, but also to gain practical expierience for my future career and to discuss and solve problems in groups while studying. Moreover, I find it very important for the course of biomedical sciences already to experiment and investigate in the labour independently, to apply and deepen the already gained knowlede. Therefore I consciously decided to apply for your University, because ist enjoys a very good reputation and I could only find positive feedback on my researches.
In addition, my educational achievements proof my strengths in the technical and scientific field. I am sure that this capacity as well as my great interest to widen my educational horizons, create ideal conditions for a future career in the biomedical research. I would gladly like to get the opportunity to start my life-long educational process at the Maatricht University.
Another point, which is confirming my decision to study in the Netherlands is, that the language oft he course is English. I am very much enthusiastic about the English language, which I can speak, write and read fluently. I was awarded for ? outstanding performance ? in English in my Abitur examinations. I always ensure to extend and deepen my language skills in my free , as my current residence in Namibia also requires communication in English.
Furthermore, I fell in love with the city of Maastricht since I have been there fort he first time. I was especially taken by the architecture, the cultural openness and the vibrant city with all the different little restaurants.
I am looking forward for hearing from you and getting a positive reply soon.

Yours sincerely

Steffen Bühler · Moderator Anmeldungsdatum: 03.12.2013 Beiträge: 92

Willkommen im Englischboard!

Viele Flüchtigkeitsfehler! Nimm auch mal den Rechtschreibprüfer.

Stichworte:

best student of the year

Now I am voluntarily working

My tasks are to prepare lessons

It was a quick decision

It is a great pleasure to me to teach children

contaminated water, poor hygiene and lack of education.

especially those of biology.

as if it was a storybook.

It was never enough to me to know only what I could see with my own eyes.

I wanted to learn which physiological processes take place

what happens in our brain

I could not imagine anything else for my future career

I am also very interested to know what happens in my body

while I am doing sports and how my diet affects my health to keep my body well-functioning and healthy.

and thus think that

my ability to think logically

I can solve difficult problems conscientiously and thoroughly alone as well as in teamwork.

University

experience

experiment and investigate in the laboratory

it enjoys a very good reputation

Maastricht University.

Another point which is confirming my decision to study in the Netherlands is that the language of the course is English.

in my free time

for the first time

I am looking forward to hearing from you

Viele Grüße
Steffen

Debbie · Anmeldungsdatum: 02.12.2015 Beiträge: 2

Vielen herzlichen Dank schon einmal!

Ich habe den Text nun nochmal überarbeitet, bei der Kommasetzung bin ich mir teilweise noch etwas sicher.

Wie liest sich der Text denn inhaltlich und grammatikalisch und was haltet ihr von dem Bewerbungsschreiben allgemein?

Vielen Dank und liebe Grüße

Debbie

Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to apply for your bachelor’s programme ‚biomedical science‘ starting in September 2016 at Maastricht University.
After I graduated the grammar school „Wilhelm-Maybach-Schule“ in Heilbronn in June 2015 as the best student of the year, I decided to spend a voluntary social year abroad.
Now I am voluntarily working at the ‚Havana Primary School‘ in Windhoek, the capital of Namibia until July 2016. My tasks are to prepare lessons, to teach and to support other teachers during their lessons by helping children with learning difficulties in difficult exercises.
It was a quick decision, when I heard that I had to specialize in a certain subject, because I knew that I want to work in the subject area of natural sciences and mathematics. It is a great pleasure to me to teach children new subject matter in biology, chemistry and physics. I always try to get them enthusiastic about topics like the human immune system and the prevention of sicknesses like cholera or HIV, which are a causing a big problem in the township Havana because of contaminated water, poor hygiene and lack of education.
Ever since childhood I was fascinated by the world of natural sciences, especially those of biology. As soon as I mastered reading, I begged my mum to buy me a children's encyclopaedia about the human body. Very short time after I persuaded her, I already had devoured it as if it was a storybook.
It was never enough to me to know only what I could see with my own eyes. I wanted to learn which physiological processes take place in the human body, what happens in our brain and how our bodies are constructed up to the smallest unit. Until today the fascination has not lost its grip on me, so I could not imagine anything else for my future career than taking the biomedical pathways.
Besides, I attach great importance to live a healthy lifestyle by doing sports and exercises and by taking care of eating healthy and well-balanced nutrition. I am also very interested to know what happens in my body while I am doing sports and how my diet affects my health to keep my body well-functioning and healthy.
I want to make my passion to my profession and thus think that the studies of biomedical sciences would offer me the best possibilities. On the basis of my ability to think logically. I can solve difficult problems conscientiously and thoroughly alone as well as in teamwork. That is why I am really interested in the ‚problem-based learning‘ method, which is applied at the University of Maastricht. Personally, I prefer it not only to learn theoretically, but also to gain practical experience for my future career and to discuss and solve problems in groups while studying. Moreover, I find it very important for the course of biomedical sciences already to experiment and investigate in the laboratory independently, to apply and deepen the already gained knowledge. Therefore I consciously decided to apply for your University, because it enjoys a very good reputation and I could only find positive feedback on my researches.
In addition, my educational achievements proof my strengths in the technical and scientific field. I am sure that this capacity as well as my great interest to widen my educational horizons, create ideal conditions for a future career in the biomedical research. I would gladly like to get the opportunity to start my life-long educational process at the Maastricht University.
Another point which is confirming my decision to study in the Netherlands is that the language of the course is English. I am very much enthusiastic about the English language, which I can speak, write and read fluently. I was awarded for ‚ outstanding performance ‚ in English in my Abitur examinations. I always ensure to extend and deepen my language skills in my free time, as my current residence in Namibia also requires communication in English.
Furthermore, I fell in love with the city of Maastricht since I have been there for the first time. I was especially taken by the architecture, the cultural openness and the vibrant city with all the different little restaurants.
I am looking forward to hearing from you and getting a positive reply soon.

Yours sincerely

Steffen Bühler · Moderator Anmeldungsdatum: 03.12.2013 Beiträge: 92

Ich persönlich finde es in Ordnung, bin aber kein Lehrer, nur interessierter Laie.

Ja, die Kommas funktionieren in Englisch genau umgekehrt wie im Deutschen: "if in doubt, leave it out". ;)

Das läuft zwar ganz gut bei Dir, dennoch ist zum Beispiel bei diesem Satz