Bitte um Korrektur meiner short story

JayDe · Anmeldungsdatum: 12.04.2011 Beiträge: 1

Meine Frage:
Hallo smile

Ich muss im Englischunterricht eine Short story schreiben als Klausurersatzleistung. Leider bin ich nicht so gut in Englisch und würde euch deshalb bitten, diesen Text zu lesen und zu korrigieren, das würde mir sehr weiterhelfen. Ich nehme gerne auch inhaltliche Verbesserungsvorschläge an :)

Meine Ideen:
The intoxication

It was similar like the feeling being in love. At one go, everything was so easy, it seemed to me as I was flying. All the problems an worries, about which I racked my brain a few minutes ago, were now forgotten. There was only me and nothing else. Everything around me was still the same, bit somehow different. It was like I was in another world, where everything is much nicer than in the real world. I wanted to stay here, left this world never again. But I know, that it would stop soon. Then I?m back in the old, cruel world in which I couldn?t see absolutely no good. But I don't want to think about that. This was quit easy, because forgetting isn't difficult when everything felt so good. I closed my eyes, put my head back and smiled. ?Please let it never end?, I thought... Everything around me was slowly blurred. Something made me fall to the ground, but I didn't even notice. I lay there motionless, watching the stars over me, began turning around me. The walls came closer and the ground beneath me seemed to disappear. Then I lost consciousness.
When I woke up, it was raining. How long did I sleep? It could have been minutes, but hours, too. I didn't know and I didn't care. I was still a little closer to the real world and totally didn't like that. The first try to get up, went thoroughly wrong. I knocked my head against something and felt warm blood, when I put my hand at it. I felt dizzy and lay back on the ground. My head was ringing, my hands were shaking and I was cold. I couldn't think straight, I just knew that I wanted to have the nice feeling again from a while ago.
Somehow I managed to pull myself up at a bench and got on my feet. My head throbbed even more, the pain was unbearable. Slowly, I staggered a few steps forward. I didn't know where to go, I didn't even know where I was. First, I thought about to order a taxi and drive home. But then I remembered that I haven't done my jobs for this day. And I even had no money for driving with a taxi. So I decided to go to the quiet near station, hoping to find someone who could bring me back to the dreamworld.
Somehow I found out the way, but when I tried to cross the street to get to the station, it suddenly happened very quick.
I heard the squealing of the tires and the shocked screams of a few peoples in my area. Something big and heavy caught me with a thump. I left the ground under my feet and flew a few meters until I hit my head at the asphalt. Again, I felt blood, running down my temple. This time it was more. I felt someone shaking me and heard excited voices, getting lower and lower...
I was in another world again. But this time it wasn't very nice, I was afraid. Very afraid.
The bright light of the sun, which shone through a window into the room, let me woke up. I was laying in a soft bed in a white room. I felt a twinge from the needles in my arms and my head was wrapped with a thick bandage. My hands were still trembling and the sweat ran down my forehead. The withdrawal symptoms entered.
As I lay there in the hospital, I thought about the accident. My memories weren't complete, but I knew how it happened and that made me angry. Since my father died and my mother sank completely into her grief , my life was determined only by drugs. I had to take on many tasks that my mother couldn't do anymore. She spent the day in her bed and didn't want to see anybody. I wasn't angry, I could understand her, because I missed my father as well. But I wasn't allowed to slip down and loose my footing, because somebody had to provide for my family. I deal with the purchases, cooked dinner, took over the upbringing of my sister, managed the whole household. For my family I had to be strong. But at some point it was all too much for me. We haven't go any money because my mother didn't work any more. So I started to steal. Somehow I had to put the food on the table, if nobody else did it. I stood under the pressure, to manage all these things, that I was getting weaker and weaker. Soon, I had no strength left and was looking for a solution. And so I came to drugs. With it, all was much easier, I could forget everything for a few hours and just be myself. But I lost control and slipped off. I became addicted.
And so far it had come. Now I lay here with withdrawal symptoms in a bed of a hospital. I made a decision. I wanted to do a withdrawal and start a new life after that. I would made my mum to snatch up and fight against her grief, because it couldn't continue like that.

?Everything will be all right again?, I whispered and closed my eyes.

Danke schonmal im Vorraus :)

Liebe Grüße, JayDe