Hilfe/Korrektur bei/von Letter of motivation for Internation

ptotheizzy · Anmeldungsdatum: 18.04.2012 Beiträge: 1

Meine Frage:
Hallo liebe Englishboarder,
ich befinde mich gerade im stressigen Bewerbungsprozess für meine Traumuni und muss für den binationalen Studiengang International Business einen einseiten "Letter of motivation" verfassen. Leider bin ich mir sowohl bei meinen Formulierungen unsicher als auch bezgl. des Inhalts. Ist es ggf. zu viel Geschwafel, zu unpersönlich, zu weit gefasst etc.

Ich hoffe, ihr könnt mir weiterhelfen. Ich freue mich schon auf Anregungen und Kritik aller Art.
Danke!

PS: Gerne darf der Text auch etwas kürzer ausfallen, da ich bis jetzt schon 100 Wörter über dem Maximum liege...

Achja, gehört eine Unterschrift und Schlussformel à la:
"Ich hoffe, ich konnte Ihr Interesse wecken und wäre über eine Einladung zum persönlichen Gespräch höchst erfreut."

Meine Ideen:
Hier meine bisherige Ausfertigung:

My name is X, I am 21 years old and I finished my German A-levels in July 2011. Hereby I wish to state out my interest in a place in your Bachelor of Arts program in International Business. Above all, my curiosity about foreign cultures and countries have aroused my interest in specifically your program and the *X* School of *X*. What interested me most and actually apply for your program, is the fact that compul-sory two terms of the studies need to be done abroad ? particular in conjunction with an out-standing and renowned partner like the *X* University of *X*. Furthermore am I convinced that your schedule with its special education model of combining multidiscip-linarity, internationality ? also in a sociocultural manner ? as well as a small amount of students and accordingly the potential of an intense mentoring plus a private ambiance, will be able to prepare me for my prospect of a multifarious profession and lead me to my long lasting wish of seeking a career in an international environment. I guess this wish I can be traced back to my childhood and the fact that I was born in a rural, tiny village in North-Rhine West-phalia. Therefore, by expeditious means, I was willing to discover more of the world and wanted to look beyond the horizon. Luckily my school offered me this opportunity so that I could participate in two exchange programs, one with the Republic of Ireland and the second one with Chinese students from Qingdao. The latter and its related experiences had a formative influence on my personal development and presented me the richness other cultures, people and mindsets have to offer. Based on this premise I decided to do a social volunteer year in France after determining school. Thus I am aware of the enrichment for one?s per-sonal development to spend a year abroad. Additionally one should mention the aspect of immersing into a foreign language, which is a great benefit, especially in our modern and globalized world. By making myself aware that every part of our modern society is based on a working economy, I do hope to gain a greater knowledge and comprehension of economi-cal processes via your program and so being well prepared for my future life.