Tagebucheintrag: Bitte Korrekturlesen.

koala · Anmeldungsdatum: 09.09.2007 Beiträge: 5

Guten Tag,

Könntet ihr euch diesen Text mal anschauen und ggf. korrigieren? Wir sollten einen Tagebuch eintrag von Solomon Barber verfassen (Moon Palace)

Dear diary,

Yesterday I was on Emily Fogg’s grave. It was so emotional and I couldn’t stop weeping. I felt such a big pain inside because I remembered the past. The tears were pouring down on my cheeks. It was so terrible! I still reproach myself for Emily’s death. Emily was a beautiful woman who I felt in love with. Oh Emily, if only you hadn’t run away and let me love you!
Now I’m lying here in hospital and think about everything. Marco, our lovely son was so angry that he hurt me as well physically as mentally. He doesn’t want to accept me as his father. Surely, I can understand him. Hence he grew up without a father and a mother his entire life he never knew how it feels having a family. I don‘t accuse Marco of anything. He is my son and I love him. I think it is my own fault that now I am lying here in hospital. I shouldn’t go with him to the grave. But he shouldn’t take me to it, too. All those terrible thinks could be avoided if we don’t move there. The more I think about this incident the more ideas come into my mind how I was supposed to avoid this. Marco called me a “liar” and I must confess that I am.
Another fact is that I was walking blindly. I was not able to see anything around me and so after loosing my balance I fall over backward into the grave. But it was just because I was so desperate. Marco hurt me so much. But as mentioned earlier I still think that it isn’t his fault that maybe I’ll die early. I still hope that one day he looks into my eyes and sees that I’m really his father and perhaps he will accept it.

Ukkat · Gast

"Dear diary,

yesterday I was on Emily Fogg’s grave. It was so emotional and I couldn’t stop weeping. I felt such a big pain inside because I remembered the past. The tears were pouring down on my cheeks. It was so terrible! I still reproach myself for Emily’s death. Emily was a beautiful woman who I felt in love with. Oh Emily, if only you hadn’t run away and let me love you!
Now I’m lying here in hospital and think about everything. Marco, our lovely son was so angry that he hurt me physically as mentally. He doesn’t want to accept me as his father. Surely, I can understand him. Hence he grew up without a father and a mother his entire life he never knew how it feels having a family. I don‘t accuse Marco for anything. He is my son and I love him. I think it is my own fault that I am lying here in hospital now. I shouldn’t go to the grave with him. But he shouldn’t take me to it, too. All those terrible thinks could be avoided if we don’t move there. The more I think about this accident?? the more ideas come into my mind how I was supposed to avoid this. Marco called me a “liar” and I must confess that I am.
Another fact is that I was walking blindly. I was not able to see anything around me and so after loosing my balance I fell over backwards into the grave. But it was just because I was so desperate. Marco hurt me so much. But as mentioned earlier I still think that it isn’t his fault that maybe I’ll die early. I still hope that one day he will look into my eyes and see that I’m really his father and perhaps he will accept it."

"All those terrible thinks could be avoided if we don’t move there."
der satz ist irgendwie nen bisschen komisch.
Das wort thinks existiert in dem Sinne nicht.
Wolltest du sagen, wenn wir nicht hier hergezogen wären?
dann müsste es if we wouldn't have move to here

koala · Anmeldungsdatum: 09.09.2007 Beiträge: 5

Goldenhind · Ehrenmoderator Anmeldungsdatum: 17.08.2006 Beiträge: 399

"If" und "would" im gleichen Satzteil geht aber nicht, Ukkat Augenzwinkern

Ich würde sagen:
"All those terrible things could have been avoided if we hadn't gone there"

Jack · Ehrenmoderator Anmeldungsdatum: 09.04.2006 Beiträge: 549

Und "on Emily Fogg's grave" klingt mehr, als wäre er auf dem Grab herumgetanzt ;-)

Ich würde da eher zu "at" tendieren.

Ukkat · Gast

ja sorry, hab gerade auch den Fehler gesehen :-(

war halt nen bisschen spät und ich net bisschen müde...