Help..letter of motivation!

Mel · Anmeldungsdatum: 14.02.2011 Beiträge: 1

Meine Frage:
So das ist nun mein Letter of Motivation..ich hoffe er ist gut gelungen??Über Ratschläge wäre ich sehr froh....

Dear Sir or Madam

I hereby wish to state my interest for a place in the Tax and Audit Bachelor program at your university.

I am a 23-years old woman who lives in .... I passed my A-Levels at Schiller-Gymnasium in June ... and after this I started my career training as a tax assistant.
I succeeded my career training in June ..... When I started my professional education after graduation, I recognized that this kind of education was something really useful for me.
I could use my theoretical knowledge I learned at school in the office I worked for. During the school and office time I got the chance to improve my personal skills. In a lot of discussions with colleagues and teachers I learned how to solve problems and develop solutions in a team.
Since then I am really excited about tax and audit, because I supported my education office with a high readiness of work and ability to work under high pressure. I am seeking for an international bachelor degree course, because of the best possibility to operate national and international in my vocation.
Last year I was working and travelling in Australia for six months. I stabilized and improved my acquirements in English. Furthermore, I met people from different countries all over the world and learned a lot about the tradition and culture of Australia. Moreover, I demonstrated my abilities in independence and sense of responsibility in Australia.
I really enjoyed this part of my life. Especially my stay abroad made me clear that an international study path is very important for my career.

I delight in the international cooperation with your partner universities in Europe, America, Australia and Asia. In this way I can develope my intercultural competences. Furthermore I want to improve my skills in learning foreign languages like Italian, Spanish, Chinese or Russian.
I am very motivated and open-minded person who want to learn more about tax and audit. I want to make use of my new acquired knowledge in international companies like..... My outstanding skills are willingness to learn to give the best advice for clients in a company. So I am confident of the Gain Additional Practice program of the company Ernst & Young in cooperation with the International University of Applied Sciences .....

Furthermore, the tax and audit branch is in a constant process of change where new laws are set every year and tax accountants or auditors will have to react to them.
The profile of the university is characterized by constant interaction between theory and practice including project courses and practical at home or abroad.
In my opinion the university has the best solution for the international market by preferring small group sizes and English as predominant language in the courses.
I´m sure I will benefit from the experts of the tax and audit field whose support us in our courses during the whole study period.
During the last year I was searching for an university which fits perfectly with my requirements in tax education. On the scout I immediately paid attention to the University of Applied Sciences .... That is why I attended ... last month at the Open Campus Day. I am certain your university is the best instrument to deepen my knowledge in tax and audit. So I can pursue my goal to start a career in an international company. Furthermore your university provides the chance to study in an international environment which will be important for enhancing my intercultural competence and language skills.
I feel confident and I am able to undertake this challenge. I hope that you will offer me a place in your university and if so, I am certain that I will learn and work with full commitment.
Thank you for considering my application.

Yours faithfully

Enclosures:
Curriculum vitae
Higher School Certificate
Copy of identification card
Identification picture

Meine Ideen:
Also ich habe den ganzen Tag dran gesessen und mehrmals drüber gelesen, aber mir fällt nix mehr dazu ein..
Wäre nett, wenn mir hier jemand helfen könnte und Kritik üben kann.
Vielen Dank im Vorfeld.
Mel

MI · Administrator Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005 Beiträge: 1140 Wohnort: München

Ich hoffe, dass dir das hier noch was bringt und du den Brief nicht schon abgeschickt hast.

Generell wiederholst du dich im letzten Abschnitt ein wenig.
Korrekturen meinerseits:
Rot = Fehler
Orange = Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob deine Version korrekt ist oder ich verstehe sie nicht ganz
Grün = Vorschlag, um das ganze etwas runder zu gestalten.

Gruß
MI