Such Zweitkorrektor

Gast · Gast

Hallo,

ich belege gerade ein Fernstudium und habe heute einen Essay (siehe unten) korregiert zurückgesandt bekommen. Mein Problem ist, der Fernlehrer hat mir gerade einmal 3 Fehler auf 575 Wörter angestrichen. Zu meinen Schulzeiten war ich froh, wenn ich 8 Fehler auf 100 Wörter hatte. Damals kam ich aber auch mit meinem Lehrer nicht besonders klar.
Könntet ihr mal bitte über den Essay drüberlesen. Mich würde mal interessieren wieviel Fehler wirklich drin stecken und ob der Sprachgebrauch angemessen ist (Abitur Grundkurs-Niveau). Ich habe bald Prüfung bei nen anderen Lehrer und möchte dann nicht unerwartet auf den Boden der Tatsachen zurückgeholt werden.

Danke Im Voraus

The production methods of the future and the effects of workforce and society
James A. Baker, an executive vice president at General Electric said two decades ago “U.S. business has three choices in the 80s – automate, emigrate or evaporate.” Against the background of globalization this predication is still true in the present. Every company in industrial countries has the problem of a increasing competition. The competition forces them to hold the prices of the goods they sell nearly constantly or even to cut the prices. The conclusion is that the companies must find ways to reduce their costs.
Rationalization of processes is one way and automation an opportunity on this way. Automation effects that workforces will be more and more replace by machines and computers. In consequence of automation workers can be unemployed, what causes problems for the individual worker and for the society if they can’t hired by another corporation. The individuals get less monthly incomes than in the time they worked. They have to save their consumer spending. Due to this fact other industry sectors will be affected by the unemployment and a vicious circle starts with problems for the society too, e.g. the increasing expenses of the social insurances and of the state for welfare. By all this negative things you shouldn’t forget that automation can also have positive effects. A machine produce more goods than men. And so a corporation can employ more workers in further processing.
A well-known opportunity for reducing costs is also to hire workers in another country or even to emigrate with the whole corporation. Aim is to find cheaper workers especially in countries of the third world. Additionally the sense of emigration the whole corporation is to save taxes and other expenses. The consequences are a rising unemployment and the associated social problems how already explained above. Emigration of corporations leads also to fallen tax revenues. The result is that the state has to cut down expenses what also affects the whole society. But internationalization of a corporation hasn’t only to be a problem of costs. Another reason can be not existing human resources with the skills the corporation need.
All in all the new ways of production have the aim of reducing costs - especially personal costs. Automation and emigration are two trends which aren’t able to stop. The trend of automation began in the 18th century with technical revolution. But don’t forget! Since this time the welfare state in Germany developed more and more. You see, it is possible to automate without abandoning social standards. More dangerous seems to be emigration of workforces. At the moment it concerns only corporations of the manufacturing economy sector. It is important to know that a decreasing manufacturing sector is characteristic for an industrial country. Service-sector jobs and scientific work will be more important for modern industrial countries. Because of the technological progress and with this the associated raising real wages there is an increasing demand on services like finance, free time services etc.
It’s right, a corporation has two choices – automate or emigrate – if it doesn’t want to evaporate. For an individual it can have negative effects like joblessnes but the past shows that them followed positive effects for the society like a developing welfare state. Maybe the end of the welfare state would be if corporation began to emigrate service-sector jobs. This we can only prevent with a better education than the people of other countries.

kikira · Gast

The production methods of the future and the effects ON workforce and society
James A. Baker, an executive vice president at General Electric said two decades ago “U.S. business has three choices in the 80s – automate, emigrate or evaporate.” Against the background of globalization this predication is still true in the present. Every company in industrial countries has the problem of aN increasing competition. The competition forces them to hold the prices of the goods they sell nearly constant(KEIN ADVERB) or even to cut the prices. The conclusion is that the companies must find ways to reduce their costs.
Rationalization of processes is one way and automation an opportunity on this way. Automation effects that workforces WILL BE more and more REPLACED by machines and computers. AS A consequence of automation workers can beCOME unemployed, WHICH causes problems for the individual worker and for the society if they can’t BE (Beim Passiv hast du Probleme) hired.....

Bis hierhin sind es schon mehr als 3 Fehler. Hmm...scheint nicht sehr effektiv - dein Fernstudium.
Ich hab jetzt nichts am Stil verbessert. Einige Sachen sind schlecht formuliert, bzw. unenglisch ausgedrückt.
Man sieht, du hast ein Sprachgefühl für Englisch. Dir fehlt bloß ein bisserl Lesen - denn dann würdest du die richtigen Vokabeln ins Ohr kriegen.
Ich seh, du hast viel im Wörterbuch geblättert, aber eben manchmal - aus Unerfahrenheit - akkurat das für diesen Kontext falsche Vokabel verwendet. Ich bezieh mich jetzt auf den Text, den ich nur so überflogen hab, aber nicht korrigiert. Zwischendurch sind die Sätze aber wieder schönes Englisch.
Ein bisserl Schliff in der Grammatik (vor allem Passiv) und noch viel viel viel viel viel Lesen bis zum Abi. Dann schaffst dus. Und schau dir auch viele englische Filme an.
Du würdest nicht glauben, wie schnell sich der Stil, der Ausdruck, die Wortwahl verbessert, wenn man konsequent viel liest.

lg kiki

Gast · Gast

Hallo Kiki,

danke für dein Lesen des Textes..

die fehler "replaced" und "be hired" wurden mir auch angestrichen.

Warum würdest du bei dem Relativsatz lieber which anstatt what verwenden? Ich glaube mal gelernt, dass man which verwendet, wenn man sich auf Ding bezieht, aber ich möchte mich ja auf den gesamten Bezug nehmen.

kikira · Gast