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Roxy



Anmeldungsdatum: 10.05.2010
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 10. Mai 2010 17:36    Titel: Bitte DRINGEND Korrektur lesen und Anmerkungen hinterlassen! Antworten mit Zitat

Dies ist mein Letter of Motivation für die Bewerbung auf einen Studienplatz im Studiengang Hotelmanagement an der Fachhochschule Bad Honnef/Bonn.
- Als Anmerkung: Das Motivationsschreiben ist noch nicht fertig! -

Bitte sagt mir eure Meinung und korrigiert mich und das bitte möglichst schnell! Danke!

_____________________________________________________________


Dear Sir or Madam,

in June 2010 I will pass my A-levels at the Immanuel-Kant-Gymnasium in Bad Oeynhausen, Germany.

After my last oral examination on the 28th of May and my graduation on the 30th of June I am planning to do an internship at the „Villa Kennedy“ in Frankfurt on the Main.

At the 8th of July, after this hopefully great experience in such a renowned Hotel, I will attend my family in the United States of America in Denver for one month. Within the framework of this visit I will do an second internship at a Sheraton Hotel in the area of Denver.

As you could see I am hardly working to be prepared for my hospitality management studies at the International University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.
I want to be aware of what the profession of a hotelmanager really is, because I think the hotel industry is a department where you need to be dedicated to your occupation.
I think the device „Love it or hate it - nothing in between is possible“ goes with the engagement of a hotelmanager.

In case of my second internship in the United States, the possibility to improve my English plays another big role for me. Because the time, between my return to Germany and the hopefully start of my first term, is really short and so I think I would feel self-confident in studying in English.

My wish to study hotelmanagement depends on the fact that I grew up at my grandparents. Because they were pensioned they had the possibility to travel a lot with me. With every new journey I got a better eye for the mistakes, that had make the stay not completely perfect. And so in connection with my ambition, my organising ability and my addiction to be a perfectionist I developed the dream to manage a nearly perfect hotel in future.

Within the last year I started to search for a University that fits best with my requirements and prospects. During my search I fastly payed attention to the University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.
vilica
Gast





BeitragVerfasst am: 10. Mai 2010 19:40    Titel: Antworten mit Zitat

Hallo!
Ich hab mal eben schnell drüber gelesen. Echt nicht schlecht smile Auch wenn ich jetzt schon einige Vorschläge reingschrieben habe, ich hoffe du kannst das entziffern was ich meine... Hier und du waren auch noch ein paar Formulierungen etwas seltsam, aber ich habe grad keine Zeit den Text erschöpfend zu korrigieren- vielleicht schaut ja auch noch jemand anders drüber smile Ich hoffe dir hilfts! Übrigens, bei der Grammatik kannst mir vertrauen...



Dear Sir or Madam,

in June 2010 I will pass (maybe take? woher weißt du jetzt schon dass du bestehst? Augenzwinkern ist vllt etwas spitzfindig..) my A-levels at the Immanuel-Kant-Gymnasium in Bad Oeynhausen, Germany.

After my last oral examination on the 28th of May and my graduation on the 30th of June I am planning to do an internship at the „Villa Kennedy“ in Frankfurt on the Main.

At (on) the 8th of July, after this hopefully great experience in such a renowned Hotel, I will attend (ich finde visit besser, attend klingt zu förmlich für Familie) my family in the United States of America in Denver for one month. Within the framework of this visit I will do an (a) second internship at a Sheraton Hotel in the area of Denver.

As you could see I am hardly (so heißt das dass du kaum dafür arbeitest- ich nehme an du meinst 'I am work hard' - hardly als Adverb bedeutet immer kaum, das Adverb von 'hard' wie hart ist hard) working to be prepared for my hospitality management studies at the International University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.
I want to be aware (establish an awareness for myself) of what the profession of a hotelmanager really is (entails? is like?), because I think (believe?) the hotel industry is a department where you need to be dedicated to your occupation.
I think the device „Love it or hate it - nothing in between is possible“ goes with the engagement of a hotelmanager.

In case of my second internship (klingt komisch) in the United States, the possibility to improve my English plays another big role for me. Because the time(span), (kein Komma) between my return to Germany and the hopefully (hopefully passt nicht zu start da Adverb, mir fällt für erhofft allerdings auchnichts ein, sorry) start of my first term is really (quite?) short and so I think I would feel self-confident in (in weglassen) studying in English.

My wish to study hotel management depends (is based) on the fact that I grew up at my grandparents (grandparents'). Because (elegnater wäre 'as' als because) they were pensioned they had the possibility to travel a lot with me. With every new journey I got (developed) a better eye for the mistakes, (kein Komma da defining relative clause) that had make (had made) the stay not completely perfect. And so in connection with my ambition(s), my organising ability (ability to organise or organising skills) and my addiction to be (being) a perfectionist I developed (I've developed wäre vllt noch besser) the dream to manage a nearly perfect hotel in future.

Within the last year I started to search (searching) for a University that fits best with my requirements and prospects. During my search I fastly (das Adverb von fast ist fast, fastly gibt es nicht; vielleicht passt immediately?) payed attention to the University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.
vilica
Gast





BeitragVerfasst am: 10. Mai 2010 20:49    Titel: Antworten mit Zitat

ach ja und: paid attention
that fits best with
Roxy



Anmeldungsdatum: 10.05.2010
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 10. Mai 2010 21:18    Titel: Herzlichen Dank! Antworten mit Zitat

Vielen, vielen Dank liebe Vilica!
Wenn du noch einmal bis Morgen Mittag Zeit finden würdest und es mit deinen fundierten Vorschlägen perfektionieren würdest, wäre ich dir unendlich dankbar!

Jeder Andere der sich erbarmen würde es noch einmal anzuschauen ist herzlich dazu eingeladen!

Tolles Forum und super tolle Hilfe - Kompliment! :)
Roxy



Anmeldungsdatum: 10.05.2010
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 11. Mai 2010 02:07    Titel: AKTUALISIERTE Version Antworten mit Zitat

Dear Sir or Madam,

in June 2010 I will take my A-levels at the Immanuel-Kant-Gymnasium in Bad Oeynhausen, Germany.

After my last oral examination on the 28th of May and my graduation on the 30th of June I am planning to do an internship at the „Villa Kennedy“ in Frankfurt on the Main.

On the 8th of July, after this hopefully great experience in such a renowned Hotel, I will visit my family in the United States of America in Denver for one month. Within the framework of this visit I will do a second internship at a Sheraton Hotel in the area of Denver.

As you could see I am working hard to be prepared for my hospitality management studies at the International University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.
I want to establish an awareness for myself of what the profession of a hotelmanager really entails, because I believe the hotel industry is a department where you need to be dedicated to your occupation.
I think the device „Love it or hate it - nothing in between is possible“ goes with the engagement of a hotelmanager.

Regarding to my second internship in the United States, the possibility to improve my English plays another big role for me. Because the timespan between my return to Germany and the start of my first term, is quite short and so I think I would feel self-confident studying in English.

My wish to study hotelmanagement depends on the fact that I grew up at my grandparents. As they were pensioned they had the possibility to travel a lot with me. With every new journey I developed a better eye for the mistakes, that had make the stay not completely perfect. In connection with my ambition, my organising skills and my addiction being a perfectionist I have developed the dream to manage a nearly perfect hotel in future.
During my sixth form I had the chance to improve my ability to organise. For example I planned in a team of four students our school leaving ball.

In my freetime I am playing handball in a team, which what I play together from the age of six. Last year my team goes up in the first league - our greatest success in 12 years of playing together. So I think my capacity for teamwork is really distinctive.

In my opinion my vocactions and my planned internships qualify me as committed and motivated student for your University.

Within the last year I started searching for an University that fits best with my requirements and prospects. During my search I immediately paid attention to the University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn. That is why I attended Bad Honnef last year, at the Open Campus Day and later in the context of a „Meet a Buddy Day“.

The Internationality, that is one of the striking qualities that a hotelmanager should have, is warranted by the fact that English is the language of instruction at Bad Honnef. My decision to apply for hotelmanagement at Bad Honnef is also based on the fact that it is a private establishment.
Because this is a guarantor for smaller classes, where a closer communication between student and professor is possible. The argument that allmost all lecturers worked in the hotel industry or are still working in it, corroborate my wish to study at the International University of Applied Sciences - Bad Honnef ∙ Bonn.

I am looking forward to my entrance exam on the 27th of May and hope that you will get me the chance to live my dream, to work in hotel industry.


Yours sincerely















Enclosures
curriculum vitae
school report
copy of identification card
ID picture
Flow85



Anmeldungsdatum: 07.05.2011
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 07. Mai 2011 18:14    Titel: Bitte auch um so eine schöne Korrekturlesung Antworten mit Zitat

Ich hoffe ihr könnt mir auch helfen. Ich entschuldige mich schon im voraus für die geraubte Zeit am WE aber ich muss den ´lom´am Montag abgeben Hilfe ,und ich will da wirklich hin..DANKE!!!


Dear Sir or Madam,

I hereby apply for the Bachelor of Arts International Management program at the International University of applied sciences in Bad Honnef starting in September 2011.

At present I am finishing my vocational baccalaureate diploma at the (school) in (city) and I am going to graduate on June 25, 2011.

To introduce myself, I would describe me as an open-minded, friendly and studiously man. In my free-time I like to meet up with friends, doing agility with my dog and sailing. I love to get in contact with people from all over the world to get to know their backgrounds and culture. During my holidays I love to travel abroad and getting to know foreign countries. I am very interested in marketing in general and especially branding. In recent years my motivation in studying business increased steadily. To combine my main interests, I searched for a practice oriented bachelor degree course which fits in my wishes. Due to the fact that I would like to work in an international environment, the Bachelor of Arts International Management program will prepare me perfectly for my future plans.

During my duty at the Bundeswehr I had the chance to work in an international atmosphere which gave me the possibility to improve my English and to learn about the advantages which are associated with it. This time showed me how important cross-border communication is to reach the best possible results. My apprenticeship as cook helped me to handle stressful situations and to schedule my workflow. During my time as an airborne soldier and cook I learned to work in a team and I realized that some aims are just reachable if you work together.

At the open campus day in December last year I have seen the campus as an area of excellent education where I felt very comfortable as a guest. Nevertheless the decisive point why I am applying here is because of the students who praiseful explained me the study situation at the IUBH. I was very impressed of the appearance of the campus and the happiness and satisfaction of the students which I have not seen like this at other universities. The possibility to study at one of your well-known partner universities abroad is also a reason. At the „Einstieg Abi “ fair in cologne this year, where I had the chance to compare different universities, my decision had been confirmed.

I think the IUBH fits perfect in my expectations, I am looking forward to enhance my unique Curriculum vitae with an excellent education. I would appreciate a positive reaction of yours.


Respectfully yours,

Hans Peter

spart nicht mit kritik
MI
Administrator


Anmeldungsdatum: 22.01.2005
Beiträge: 1140
Wohnort: München

BeitragVerfasst am: 08. Mai 2011 17:46    Titel: Re: Bitte auch um so eine schöne Korrekturlesung Antworten mit Zitat

Insgesamt flüssig zu lesen (rot sind Fehler, bei orange bin ich mir nicht ganz sicher und grün sind lediglich Vorschläge), von der Struktur ganz in Ordnung, lediglich der Abschnitt über die Joberfahrungen erscheint mir etwas verschwurbelt.

Gruß
MI

Flow85 hat Folgendes geschrieben:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I hereby apply for the Bachelor of Arts International Management program at the International University of applied sciences in Bad Honnef starting in September 2011.

At present I am finishing my vocational baccalaureate diploma at the (school) in (city) and I am going to graduate on June 25, 2011. Kenne ich nicht, aber ich gehe davon aus, dass das ein korrekter feststehender Ausdruck ist. Wenn du den wörtlich übersetzt hast, schau lieber noch mal nach.

To introduce myself, I would describe me as an open-minded, friendly and studious man. Adjektiv, kein Adverb. Evtl. auch "diligent" In my free-time I like to meet with friends, play with my dog and sail. "like to" gibt Infinitiv für den Rest des Satzes vor. Ansonsten müsstest du auch "I like meeting my friends" sagen (vllt. besser: "going out with my friends"?) - hinzu kommt "do agility" ist ein komischer Ausdruck, daher mein Vorschlag. I love to get in contact with people from all over the world to get to know their backgrounds and culture. During my holidays I love to travel abroad and get to know foreign countries. Selbes Problem wie oben. Alternativ kannst du auch "I love to travel abroad, getting to know..." sagen, das ist dann eine Partizipialkonstruktion glaube ich. I am very interested in marketing in general and especially branding. In recent years my motivation in studying business increased steadily. To combine my main interests, I searched for a practice oriented bachelor degree course which matches my wishes. Due to the fact that I would like to work in an international environment, the Bachelor of Arts International Management program will prepare me perfectly for my future plans.

During my duty at the Bundeswehr I had the chance to work in an international atmosphere which gave me the possibility to improve my English and to learn about the advantages which are associated with it. This time showed me how important cross-border communication is to reach the best possible results. My apprenticeship as a cook helped me to learn how to handle stressful situations and to schedule my workflow. During my time as an airborne soldier and cook I learned to work in a team and I realized that some aims are just reachable if you work together.
Hast du jetzt die beiden Jobs gemacht, oder gehören die zusammen? Wird mir nicht ganz klar.


At the open campus day in December last year I have seen the campus as an area of excellent education where I felt very comfortable as a guest. Nevertheless the decisive point why I am applying here is because of the students who praiseful explained me the study situation at the IUBH. I was very impressed of the appearance of the campus and the happiness and satisfaction of the students which I have not seen like this at other universities. Another reason is the possibility to study at one of your well-known partner universities abroad. Satzstellungsvorschlag. Der Satz vorher ist nicht falsch, aber man hört mEn förmlich "Deutsch" raus. At the „Einstieg Abi “ fair in Cologne this year, where I had the chance to compare different universities, my decision has been confirmed.

I think the IUBH fits perfectly to my expectations, I am looking forward to enhance my unique Curriculum vitae with an excellent education. I would appreciate a positive reaction of yours.
Der erste Satz des Abschnitts klingt schon etwas seltsam... aber als Naturwissenschaftler bin ich auch kein Marketingstratege - vielleicht fahren die auf so etwas ab.


Respectfully yours, Formal eher ungewöhnlich (Wikipedia gibt solch einen Stil nur für das amerikanische Militär). Normalerweise würde man wohl "Yours faithfully" verwenden.

Hans Peter

spart nicht mit kritik
Flow85



Anmeldungsdatum: 07.05.2011
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 09. Mai 2011 08:09    Titel: Danke Antworten mit Zitat

Vielen Dank für die hilfreiche kritik, habe deine Vorschläge direkt übernommen und hoffe, dass es mit der Uni klappt:-)

Thumbs up! DANKE Thumbs up! DANKE Thumbs up! DANKE und Lg Flo Wink
Flow85



Anmeldungsdatum: 07.05.2011
Beiträge: 3

BeitragVerfasst am: 09. Mai 2011 09:25    Titel: Antworten mit Zitat

übrigens als übersetzung für Fachhochschulreife habe ich jetzt university of applied sciences entrance qualification genommen, danke nochmal tip top forum
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