Bitte um Bewerbung Korrektur

frontosa · Anmeldungsdatum: 31.03.2010 Beiträge: 3

Hallo,

da ich neu im Forum bin zuerst einmal Hallo. Wink

Ich würde eine Korrektur zu folgenden Text brauchen:

Dear Mr. Miller,
in response to your advertisement in the Standard, I would like to be considered for the Sales Representative position of XY Eyewear.
I work as an optician department head for 10 years. My responsibilities includes the planning and execution of sales forecast, training for new staff and customer care. These skills will enable me to deal with clients’ needs effectively.
Besides I am presently studying Industrial Management at the University of Applied Science in Vienna and I will have my bachelor degree in 1 month. Since my study I could strengthen my economical and industrial knowledge, so my qualifications match your requirements precisely.
I would be very grateful for the opportunity to meet you and for further information, please feel free to contact me at anytime.
Yours sincerely

Vielen Dank für die Hilfe im Vorraus!
mfg
Frontosa

Hektrio · Gast

Hier mal die ganze Struktur einer richtigen Bewerbung:

Cover Letter - of Application

Structure:

Full address with telephone number

Date

Re: Application for a Traineeship

Salutation

Short introduction or presentation
(student of..... in the..... semester at the College/University.......;wish to go abroad for the next practical training semester)
Short description of past employers, training, proficiency, practical studies, knowledge of the English language, special skills

Reasons for spending the practical training semester abroad

Wish to get a chance to work abroad, conclusion

Yours sincerely

Signature

Enclosures

Was dir fehlt sind :
- Anschrift
- Datum
- Kenntnisse aufschreiben, wie Sprachen und Office-knowledges

Der Rest ist aber OK.

frontosa · Anmeldungsdatum: 31.03.2010 Beiträge: 3

Danke für´s drüberschauen.
Mir ging´s nur um den Text.Die fehlenden Sachen werden im Schreiben natürlich ergänzt oder im CV erwähnt.

Mfg
Frontosa

fox99 · Anmeldungsdatum: 18.03.2010 Beiträge: 13 Wohnort: U.K.

Starts ok but then...

My responsibilities included the planning and execution of sales forecasts, training for new staff and customer care. These skills would enable me to deal with clients’ needs effectively.
Besides that, I am presently studying Industrial Management at the University of Applied Science in Vienna and I will have my bachelor degree in 1 month. With my studies I have been able to strengthen my economic and industrial knowhow, so my qualifications match your requirements precisely.
I would be very grateful for the opportunity to meet you. For further information, please feel free to contact me at anytime.
Yours sincerely