Bin neu hier & brauch Hilfe mit meinem Letter of motivat

Tentation · Anmeldungsdatum: 10.01.2008 Beiträge: 3

Ich würde mich echt freuen, wenn sich jemand mal meinen Text durchlesen und mir Tipps dazu geben könnte. Die Bewerbugnsfrist läuft leider bald schon aus...

Dear Madam or Sir,

in June 2008 I will complete my A-level at the Municipal High school Bad Segeberg. I am writing with reference to the possibility of obtaining work experiences within the central reservation office of the Disneyland Resort Paris and would apply for 8 to 12 months beginning in September 2008.

I’m a reliable, friendly, cooperative, accurate girl who is really interested in languages, organization and tourism. I’ve got computer knowledge from working with Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook and the internet. Besides I’ve got my driver’s license. I can learn things really fast and I do my very best to fulfil my given exercises fast and accurately. People like my character, because I stay calm in nearly all situations and I solve problems with a lot of carefulness and engagement.
You will benefit from my enthusiastic, flexible and patient personality combined with my responsible, organizational and initiative acting. I can easily adapt to a new environment and tackle all kinds of problems, which will make me an enrichment to your business.
Later on I would like to work in the tourism sector, preferred in the management. I hope to work with languages and also in foreign countries; so that I can travel around a little bit and that there is variety in my job. I’ve chosen the Disneyland Resort Paris, because in the year 2005 I’ve been there for 5 days and I’ve seen a lot of young people working there. One guy told me that he studies in Germany and works at the Disneyland when he is on holidays. That’s why I began searching for jobs at the Disneyland Resort Paris in the internet and finally I found the offer on the page of the German international exchange. I think I would fit into the given profile, because I love languages (I speak German, English, French and Russian) and I’m also familiar with computers, organization and with clients. So I’ve planned the travel to Weimar of my 10th grade in 2005 and the travel to Berlin of all the 11th grades of my school including mine in 2006. I’ve booked the hotels and I’ve organized the transport. From June to September 2006 and 2007 I’ve been working at the Karl May Festival in Bad Segeberg, where I’ve sold food and beverage, prepared and served the food, took the order, calculated the amount of money to pay in my head and I’ve answered the questions the clients had. I’ve learned English for 9 years and French for 7 years at school. German is my mother tongue and for my parents and I originally come from Russia, I’m able to speak, to understand and to write Russian.
If it wouldn’t be possible to offer a job in the central reservation office I’m flexible and I could start working in another sector, too. This could be as hotel receptionist, in ticketing, in a restaurant, in a boutique or as a hostess.

Thank you very much for considering my request; I’m looking forward for hearing from you soon.

Goldenhind · Ehrenmoderator Anmeldungsdatum: 17.08.2006 Beiträge: 399

Erstens würde ich alle Kurzformen wie "I've" ausschreiben, da sie informal language sind.

Du benutzt häufig das present perfect, wenn du das past simple benutzen müsstest. Wenn etwas in der Vergangenheit stattgefunden hat und keine Auswirkungen mehr auf die Gegenwart hat und insbesondere wenn du ein Datum in der Vergangenheit nennst, musst du past simple benutzen.

Bei indirekter Rede musst du den Backshift beachten!
One guy told me that he studies in Germany and works at the Disneyland when he is on holidays.

In diesem Satz:
I've learned English for 9 years and French for 7 years at school
musst du present perfect progressive benutzen.

If it wouldn’t be possible to offer a job in the central reservation office I’m flexible and I could start working in another sector, too
In einem if clause darf "if" und "would" nie im gleichen Satzteil stehen!

Tentation · Anmeldungsdatum: 10.01.2008 Beiträge: 3

Danke vielmals smile

Tentation · Anmeldungsdatum: 10.01.2008 Beiträge: 3

So, hier dann nochmal der nachkorrigierte Text:

Dear Madam or Sir,

in June 2008 I will complete my A-level at the Municipal High School Bad Segeberg. I am writing with reference to the possibility of obtaining work experiences within the central reservation office of the Disneyland Resort Paris and would apply for 8 to 12 months beginning in September 2008.

I am a reliable, friendly, cooperative, accurate girl who is really interested in languages, organization and tourism. I have got computer knowledge from working with Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook and the internet. Besides I have got my driver’s license. I can learn things really fast and I do my very best to fulfil my given exercises fast and accurately. People like my character, because I stay calm in nearly all situations and I solve problems with a lot of carefulness and engagement.
You will benefit from my enthusiastic, flexible and patient personality combined with my responsible, organizational and initiative acting. I can easily adapt to a new environment and tackle all kinds of problems, which will make me an enrichment to your business.
Later on I would like to work in the tourism sector, preferred in the management. I hope to work with languages and also in foreign countries; so that I can travel around a little bit and that there is variety in my job. I chose the Disneyland Resort Paris, because in the year 2005 I was there for 5 days and I saw a lot of young people working there. One guy told me that he studied in Germany and worked at the Disneyland when he was on holidays. That is why I began searching for jobs at the Disneyland Resort Paris in the internet and finally I found the offer on the page of the German international exchange. I think I would fit into the given profile, because I love languages (I speak German, English, French and Russian) and I am also familiar with computers, organization and with clients. So I planned the travel to Weimar of my 10th grade in 2005 and the travel to Berlin of all the 11th grades of my school including mine in 2006. I booked the hotels and I organized the transport. From June to September 2006 and 2007 I have been working at the Karl May Festival in Bad Segeberg, where I sold food and beverage, prepared and served the food, took the order, calculated the amount of money to pay in my head and I answered the questions the clients had. I have been learning English for 9 years and French for 7 years at school. German is my mother tongue and for my parents and I originally come from Russia, I am able to speak, to understand and to read Russian.
My internship at the elementary school showed me that I really like to work together with children, who I like a lot and with whom I can deal with quite well.
If it won’t be possible to offer a job in the central reservation office I am flexible and I could start working in another sector, too. This could be as hotel receptionist, in ticketing, in a restaurant, in a boutique or as a hostess.

Thank you very much for considering my request; I am looking forward for hearing from you soon.