Bitte Korrekturlesen: Letter of Motivation

orchidea · Anmeldungsdatum: 16.07.2007 Beiträge: 2

Hallo ihr Lieben Wink

... währt ihr bitte so lieb mal korrektur zu lesen und mir viele Verbesserungsvorschläge mitzugeben? Gott

Bitte Bitte!!!
Berwerbe mich in der Niederlande für ein Hotelmanagement Studium und dies hier soll meinen "Letter of Motiation " darstellen:

My wish to work in the hotel industrie arose when I was 6 years old. I loves to play restaurant with my sisters, friends and sometimes my parents. I worked on the menu and was very creative, I prepared easy meals and I arranged a room where my guests could sleep. Nowadays I do not play hotel, but I also love to cook and to organize different things. Some weeks ago (for example) I organized the drive to our “Abiball” with a Hummer Stretch Limousine. I had to rent the car, to book a photographer, to search for a nice background for the photo, was responsible for the course (Ablauf), the financial planning/administration and organized a sparkling wine reception (Sektempfang) before the tour started.
I want to study International Hospitality Management, because so I can intigrate my talents in my later job, e.g. my creativity, my reliability, my ambition, my friendliness my helpfulness, … . I love to travel all around the world, to get to know different cultures and countries. In fact of this I also visites many hotels – good ones and bad ones. If I will have finished to sudy I want to work in one of the good hotels and I want to do the best in my field of work, so that the guests will feel happy.
That the CHN is a “Global Campus” is one fact that I really want to study there. I visites the Englisch Advances Course at school and want to use my knowledge in my later live. That your teaching language is Emglish makes me feel happy – it is the global language and with an international degree you have more opportunities to find a good job. I is laso an advantage to study in a coutry which is not your native one. In the time at the CHN I will supplementary learn Dutch – I think it is very important to learn the language which is spoken in the country where you are live in. You can make international contacts during the study and in my mind it broadens one´s mind (erweitert den Horizont). This international contact you will not only have at the “Global Campus” – you have also the change to follow a semester or an industrial placement abroad. During studiing in the Netherlands you can live at the sudents hostel and I think it is a very good start – you have the change to get to know the campus and to find some new friends. I have also read that the unsiversity has an own hotel and some restaurants. So the teaching methods are variedly and you have not only to learn everithing theoretical – you can also show what you have learnd.
The CHN has much advantages against to other universities and so I will be very please to hear from you if you have dicided you for me.

Sind genau 479 Wörter, aber er sollte noch eingekürzt werden auf ca. 300 - 400 Wörter. Könnt ihr mir was empfehlen?
Ich komm mir so hilflos vor, da alle in meiner Umgebung nur noch schlechter Englisch können als ich!!! Hammer

Ukkat · Gast

"My wish to work in the hotel industrie arose when I was 6 years old."

ich denke man sollte so ein schreiben nicht anfangen mit my wish.
dann sag lieber: when I was 6 years old ....
hotel industry besser wäre: hotel management

"I loved to play restaurant with my sisters, friends and sometimes my parents."

vom ausdruck her net so schön...."restaurant spielen"....dann sag lieber: As a child my sister and me used to play scenes in a restaurant. I used to be the waiter and she was a customer ... so nach dem motto!

"I worked on the menu and was very creative, I prepared easy meals and I arranged a room where my guests could sleep."

very creative....hmmmm

"Nowadays I do not act in these role plays anymore but I also love to cook and to organize different things."

things....naja immer ungünstig etwas mit "Sachen" zu beschreiben.

"Some weeks ago I organized the drive to our “Abiball” with a Hummer Stretch Limousine."

abiball.....A - level prom or final celebration ist glaub ich besser als deutsche Wörter!

"I had to rent the car, to book a photographer, to search for a nice background for the photo, was responsible for the course (Ablauf), the financial planning/administration and organized a sparkling wine reception (Sektempfang) before the tour started."

My task was it to rent a car, book a photographer, search for ,,,, ,
I was responsible the evening, the financial situation and I organised the sparkling wine reception.

"I 'd liketo study International Hospitality Management, so that I can intigrate my talents in my later job, e.g. my creativity, my reliability, my ambition, my friendliness my helpfulness, … . I love to travel all around the world, to get to know different cultures and countries."

besser ist es generell nicht so viele nebensätze zu schreiben, denn die Engländer mögen es KURZ!

" In fact of this I have also visitedmany hotels – good ones and bad ones."

lass den letzten teil des satzes weg, denn das ist natürlich, dass du nicht nur in guten Hotels gewesen bist.

"If I will have finished to study I want to work in one hotel and I want to do the best in my field of work, so that the guests will feel happy."

"That the CHN is a “Global Campus” is one facts why I really want to study there."

! I have visited the Advanced English course at school and want to use my knowledge in my later live."

"That your teaching language is English makes me feel happy – it is the global language and with an international degree you have more opportunities to find a good job."

" It is laso an advantage to study in a coutry which is not your native one. "

"In the time at the CHN I will supplementary learn Dutch – I think it is very important to learn the language which is spoken in the country where you live in."

"You can get to know people from different countries during the study and in my mind it broadens one´s mind (erweitert den Horizont)."

"This international contact will not only have at the “Global Campus” – you have also the change to follow a semester or an industrial placement abroad."

äh semester....naja ich weiß net ob das das so 1:1 übersetzen kannst.
Achte auch generell darauf, dass du in der 1.Person redest, denn nicht jemand soll das machen, sondern DU...als ich bla bla bla....mir bla bla bla

"During studiing in the Netherlands you can live at the sudents hostel and I think it is a very good start – you have the change to get to know the campus and to find some new friends."

hmmm lass den satz weg, denn der bringt dich in der motivation nicht voran!

"I have also read that the university has an own hotel and some restaurants."

"So the teaching methods are variedly and you do not only have to learn everything theoretical – you can also show what you have learnt."

"The CHN has many advantages in comparison to other universities and so I would be very pleased to hear from you."

also soweit hab ich das jetzt alles mal kontrolliert.
ich denke in dem bewerbungsschreiben sollte einfach klar rauskommen, warum sie gerade DICH nehmen sollten. warum willst du das nicht in deutschland machen, was reizt dich also so sehr daran.

du musst aber auch auf bestimmte sachen achten und zwar, dass du nicht zu naiv an die sache rangehst.
du kannst nicht erwarten, dass du immer nur in guten Hotels arbeiten wirst.
es gehört zu der karriere dazu, dass man sowohl gute als auch schlechte hotels erwischt....

Hoffe ich konnte dir helfen, wenn du fragen hast, meld dich einfach nochmal per PN.

Speedy22 · Anmeldungsdatum: 17.07.2007 Beiträge: 15

.... is jetz zwar keine Antwort auf die Frage ....

ABER: ich muss jetz einfach mal was anmerken ^^

also Ukkat ... sowas find ich einfach nur KLASSE was du da gemacht hast !!
der Zeitaufwand und alles drum und dran ... weiß gar ned was ich sagen soll ^^

orchidea · Anmeldungsdatum: 16.07.2007 Beiträge: 2

Vielen lieben Dank für deine Hilfe!!!
... ich werd jetzt erstmal alles überarbeiten und wenn ich noch Fragen haben sollte meld ich mich einfach!
Wink

Bis bald!

Ukkat · Gast

ich hoffe, dass ich euch beiden helfen konnte!