| MI |
 Verfasst am: 08. März 2011 22:48 Titel: Re: Motivationsschreiben: Bitte um Korrekturlesen |
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| adriansch hat Folgendes geschrieben: |
Dear Ms Moll,
I got the impression that you are looking for an independent and resilient student who is willing to expand his subject-oriented background in the same private as at university.
"independent" ist bei Menschen wohl häufiger als "autonomous", letzteres gilt eher für Maschinen. "willing" ist vielleicht schöner? "orientated" ist korrekt, außerhalb des britischen Sprachraums aber nicht ganz so häufig. In diesem Satz hätte ich persönlich "oriented" benutzt. Der Satz ist aber unvollständig. Den letzten Teil verstehe ich nicht. Was willst du mit dem "subject-oriented background" machen?
I am responsible for intercultural political projects in cooperation with the European Union for almost four years. Generell gilt: In formalen Schreiben keine Kurzformen. As preparation I had to participate at different workshops concerning leadership and management which helped me to acquire skills in communication, Problem Solving and time managment. So finde ich das sehr viel besser, weil "Wissen" ja vermutlich eher weniger relevant als "Können" ist. Due to my practical experience I was able to optimize these organisational qualities. Kleiner Tip: Es ist vielleicht sinnvoll, sich für eine Art zu entscheiden - entweder mit z (also organizational) oder ohne (also optimise).
Currently I am studying at the University of Perugia where I am doing my Erasmus-Period. Hört sich komisch an, weil das ja nicht unbedingt ein fester Bestandteil der Ausbildung ist oder? Vllt. "I am studying at the UoP with the Erasmus program", aber da bin ich selbst nicht ganz sicher. It was important for me to obtain the experience of living in a foreign European country for upgrading my cultural and language knowledge. Gemeiner für Sprachkenntnisse. linguistic knowledge gilt tatsächlich eher für linguistische Fähigkeiten.
Additionally I did “Travel-and-Work” in the United States of America and as a sportswoman I often got the chance to participate in world- and european-championships in many different countries. Ich finde den Satz etwas steif (nicht unbedingt falsch!) und habe mal eine Umformulierung vorgeschlagen. All these experiences concerning people and cultures from different countries influenced my decision to study abroad in Germany.
Since high-school I have been fascinated by the complexity and the diversity of economics and impressed by the various possibilities which the study of economy could offer and so I decided to study economy. Vllt. besser. The main focus of my interest became “International economics” ,thereof especially the interaction between politics and economics. Due to my cooperation with the E.U. I had the opportunity to deepen my knowledge in diverse perspectives. "miscellaneous" ist ein eher seltenes Wort, was ich vorwiegend für den Posten "Sonstiges" kenne. "Diverse" hat auch die Übersetzung "vielfältig", was vermutlich eher dem Gewünschten entspricht.
The master program of your university is the best instrument to set the course for my future plan to start a career in ...................where I have the opportunity to combine my interests of economy, poltics and international businesss. It furthermore provides the chance to study in an international environment which will be important for enhancing my intercultural competence and language skills.
Thank you very much for considering my request. I am looking forward for hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
xx |
Vielleicht ein genereller Punkt: Ich finde die Einleitung etwas abrupt. Vielleicht sollte man noch einen Füllsatz hinzufügen? Andererseits kann diese Einleitung vllt. helfen, in Erinnerung zu bleiben...
Gruß
MI |
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| adriansch |
| Verfasst am: 06. März 2011 19:06 Titel: Motivationsschreiben: Bitte um Korrekturlesen |
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Hey,
ich bin neu in dieser Community und habe eine dringende Bitte:
Meine Freundin moechte ihr Master-Studium in Deutschland machen (sie ist Tuerkin), und da unser beider Englisch nicht ueberragend ist, waere es uns eine grosse Hilfe, wenn jemand, der mehr ahnung als wir hat unseren Letter nochmal ueberfliegen wuerde...
Danke schonmal im Voraus fuer eure Hilfe!!!
Letter:
Dear Ms Moll,
I got the impression that you are looking for an autonomous and resilient student who is able to expand his subject-orientated background in the same private as at university.
I’m responsible for intercultural political projects in cooperation with the European Union for almost 4 years. As preparation I had to partecipate at different workshops concerning leadership and management which helped me to get knowledge refered to Communication Skills, Problem Solving and time managment . Due to my practical experience I was able to optimize these organisational qualities.
Currently I am studying at the University of Perugia where I’m doing my Erasmus-Period. It was important for me to obtain the experience of living in a foreign European country for upgrading my cultural and linguistical knowledge. Additionally I did “Travel-and-Work” in the United States of America and as a sportswoman I obtained a lot of occasions for going to foreign countries for world- and european-championships. All this experiences concerning people and cultures from different countries influenced my decision to study abroad in Germany.
Since high-school I have been fascinated by the complexity and the diversity of the Economics- subject and impressed by the various possibilities which the study of economy could offer and so I decided to study economy. The main focus of my interest became “International economics” ,thereof especially the interaction between politics and economics. Due to my cooperation with the E.U. I had the opportunity to deepen my knowledge in a miscellaneous perspective.
The master program of your university is the best instrument to set the course for my future plan to start a career in ...................where I have the opportunity to combine my interests of economy, poltics and international businesss. It furthermore provides the chance to study in an international environment which will be important for enhancing my intercultural competence and language skills.
Thank you very much for considering my request. I am looking forward for hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
xx |
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